We’ve just been out there and after a day of mental and physical capitulation which generally follows an over-indulgence of French lager, cheap wine and (*cough*) some other things, we are ready to tell our tale. In the form of things we’ve learnt.
Er, take it away us…
24 things we learnt at the Altitude Festival
1) The people who run the Evolution bar and Jack’s bar have our vote. With their right-on steaks, their laidback service and their jugs of strong frothy ale they made the festival goooooood.
2) The lady sat next to us during the Opening Gala was obsessed with Marcus Brigstocke’s plump behind and “pear-shaped torso”. We liked his orange lapels. Neither of us were being mean.
3) French comedians aren’t that funny unless you can understand French. Though the two people in our chalet who were actually French didn’t seem to rate them either. SO maybe this should read “French comedians aren’t funny”. Hmmm…
4) The English/Irish/Welsh chaps made up for this. They were fucking brilliant. (And pissed most of the time.)
5) The poof who plays the piano is a staunch supporter of Professor Nutt. (Read into this what you will.)
6) Comedy and skiing go together rather well. Like smoking and drinking. Fish and chips. Alex Reid and getting punched in the head etc
7) The bloke who let us all smoke pot in a “remaining nameless” bar in Meribel during Howard Marks’ fondue talk was the bona fide Legend of the Trip. He even put his wine down to €1 a pop for the hangers-on. Top, top geezer.
8) Smoking even half a joint after not touching marijuana for over three years can get you verrrrry stoned indeed. Maaaaaaaaan...
9) Listening to Howard Marks do his show can get you even more stoned. He assured us, it is designed for this purpose.
10) If some back-yonder exploring/importing types hadn’t brought the wrong tobacco across the borders a few centuries ago, then we’d all be smoking high-grade pot instead of Marlboro Lights.
11) Andrew Maxwell is borderline midget. Funny. And loud. [Adopt Irish accent] VERY FOOKIN' LOUD!
12) French kids called Guido overtaking you on the slopes and sneering at your gay first attempts to get on a ski lift makes you feel slightly less of a man.
13) Totally bossing half a MOUNTAIN, without eating snow after no lessons and harboring a giant hangover is a MIGHTY FINE FEELING.
14) Waterslides still make me laugh.
15) Meribel is obsessed with Unisex facilties. Having a poo in the ladies is THE DONE THING. (Though you rarely need a poo in the mountains, weirdly. And when you do, they float. And speak Flemish.)
16) The person who installed the cubicle toilets in Evolution Bar must have been fucking tall. We’re over six foot and our legs didn’t touch the floor.
17) Al Murray is MUCH, MUCH funnier doing standup than he is on the telly. Without a doubt Maxim’s ‘Comedian of the Weekend’.
18) Abandoman, the comedy hip-hop artists, are the most original act we’ve seen in a long time. Go and see them. (http://robbroderick.com/about/)
19) Driving across European borders with Howard Marks in the front seat of your minibus makes things seem that much more exciting. Has he got some high-grade cannabis on him? Do the border guards recognise him? Is our face turning a funny shade of green again...?
20) Only pissed comedians and very good dancers can move continuously to a DJ Yoda set.
21) Colin Murphy (very funny, non-skiing Irishman) hates the word “random” almost as much as we do.
22) Having a crap salad in Geneva airport is more expensive than buying a Fiat Tipo with 12 months MOT.
23) We doubt our girlfriend will ever “trombone” us. Ever.
24) Altitude festival is well, well WORTH A LOOK. We recommend it highly. Though, even two days after we’ve landed, our left cranium might not agree.
Thanks to all involved for entertaining us and indulging us. Much amusement had. Check out the galleries on the right to get a feel for it. And go next year, yeah? We dares ya…
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Howard Marks interview...
The previous evening we had visited a lower ground restaurant/bar in Meribel for the Howard Marks talk..
The proprietor of the establishment was kind enough to allow Howard’s guests to "indulge" themselves which made the talk symbiotically more engaging and harder to follow (it had been a while). He spoke about circumventing marijuana consumption laws in Switzerland (with an excellent slideshow), his varied experinces transporting pot around the world and how we could have all been smoking nicotiana rustica, a strain of tobacco which makes you high, as opposed to the addictive death-dealing brand we buy today.
It was good.
We spoke to him the day after in the sunshine at Jack’s bar.
Maxim: Here we are in the bright hot sun outside Jack's bar in Meribel then Howard.
Howard: Here we are indeed, Stuart.
Maxim: The last time I interviewed you, you “entertained” us in your hotel room in the Groucho and then I interviewed you downstairs.
Howard: I remember it very well. I liked the interview. And the photos you took. I used them for some of my press.
Maxim: You’re most welcome. We were allowed to smoke inside public places back then…
Howard: Those were the days, Stuart.
Maxim: You spoke a little bit about that in your talk last night.
Howard: It’s a safe bet I think. It tends to move people…
Maxim: So what brings a man like yourself to a place like Meribel?
Howard: I’m not here to snowboard or to ski. I’m here for the après-ski and to enjoy myself really.
Maxim: The gentlemen who owned the establishment you spoke in last night was, how shall we say, got into the spirit of things…
Howard: Yes, it was very hospitable of him.
Maxim: Do gigs like that happen in the UK?
Howard: There are places, sure. But obviously it would be unwise of me to drop any names during this interview.
Maxim: Was that your standard show last night?
Howard: There’s probably a safety net of about 12 shows that I come prepared to do depending whether there’s a projector there or not, or what sort of audience it is – whether it’s a high-brow Guardian-reading sort of audience or an Ecstasy-taking audience.
Maxim: There’s a winding, sprawling yet interconnected narrative that runs through the talk isn’t there. It’s custom-designed for stoned people, isn’t it? It wasn't just me?
Howard: Yes, the humour is largely stoned humour.
Maxim: I was stoned for the first time in years last night and at points lost track of what the devil you were going on about.
Howard: Yes. [Laughs] The strands of the story are loosely linked so you can reconnect. Well, at least they are in my own mind…
Maxim: Has there ever been a whole room who just haven’t got it.
Howard: I’ve had two gigs where I’ve got absolutely zero reaction. But there’s never a hostile reaction, that hasn’t happened yet. There’s been a very neutral reaction from time to time, but rarely.
Maxim: Tokers aren’t the aggressive sorts are they. It’s not cool.
Howard: Yeah. And non-smokers wouldn’t pay a tenner to come and listen to me I don’t think… [laughs]
Maxim: What be the plan for the rest of your stay?
Howard: I am staying tonight and will be seeing a few shows. I’ve been to a few of these and I think this is the best one. I’m enjoying it.
Maxim: I just banged my head so hard on the slopes I can hardly think of any more questions?
Howard: Did you eat last night?
Maxim: No, we missed the fondue. We just weaseled into the show like the ratbag journalists we are.
Howard: The fondue was fucking great. It’s quite scientific. It’s best to be surrounded by locals – an awful lot can go wrong.
Maxim: Let’s get this straight – you have a mad long fork thing which you pick up bread with and then twirl it in hot cheese, right?
Howard: Yeah, there’s that one, but there’s another one where you get a bigger piece of cheese, which tilts on levers and is heated from above. Then you scrap the blisters of erupting cheese onto a poor little sponge waiting on a plate. That’s cool. And the skin of the cheese I very good – it’s a bit like cheese on toast but in one thing…
Maxim: Apparently it stops you shitting for days.
Howard: Well, I’ve had a shit today.
Maxim: I hadn’t had one for four days until this morning. It was heaven. Not that I want this conversation to trawl the depths of my après-ski fecal activities…
Howard: Quite.
Maxim: How much does the smoking ban annoy you?
Howard: There are some cigar shops in London where you can smoke. And there are some hotels. But it’s not the same.
[Howard is making some sort of deal with an unnamed associate who is at our table.]
Maxim: Have you indulged in Meow Meow?
Howard: Everyone’s on it eh. It doesn’t treat me that well. I think that’s what sent me to A&E. [Howard has recently been unwell on account of his lifestyle]
Maxim: You have to do very small amounts of it.
Howard: Yeah well, I didn’t! I ended up telling the bird, I said: ‘You’re either going to have to shoot me or take me to A&E! I don’t mind which…”
Maxim: If we come across any later we’ll be sure to let you know then.
Howard: Aww, I’m not talking any of that. Fuck that… it only works for me for the first few hours and then I experience seven hours of complete rubbish and gurning like a twat.
Maxim: What is the Howard Marks daily joint count?
Howard: Always at least five or six. Sometimes twenty or thirty.
[The conversation spirals into something unprintable]
Maxim: Thanks for the interview, Howard.
Howard: Always a pleasure, see you tonight.
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