Mock The Week – New Book!

If you don't watch Mock the Week on BBC2, you should. It's full of the gutteral jibe-work of Frankie Boyle, the curvy cutting edges of Dara O'Brian and the boyish absurdity of Russell Howard. We like it a lot.

This Year's Book has the subtitle All-New Scenes We'd Like To See, so you can gather the presmise for most of the humour. Anyway, the chaps have allowed us to republish some of it here. Looks a lot doesn't it? Well, these are only three very small excerpts, so make sure you buy it, yeah. Or we'll send Frankie Boyle round to coat off your mother. Deal? thought so...

UNLIKELY LINES FROM A SCI-FI FILM

‘Quick, his battery is running out!’

‘On my planet, this is considered a big dick’

‘I think I’ve discovered the monster’s weakness – it’s the zip at the back’

‘This is the planet Onan, the locals died out… unsurprisingly’

‘Look, we can transport matter across the galaxy with this new “fax” machine’

‘Your alien language doesn’t use the letters K or Z’

‘Mr Spock, you have the bridge. I’m just going for a dump’

‘Look, for the last time, a light year is a unit of distance, not time’

‘I am from the planet Minge’

‘I feel a great disturbance in the force, Luke-it’s almost as if someone’s planning on making three dreadful prequels’

‘Luke, I am your father, cousin, uncle, and brother’

‘I don’t wish to criticise, Lord Vader, but I don’t think a cape is terribly practical for space travel’

‘We’re flying back on Easyufo, so we aren’t landing on Mars, we’re actually landing on Saturn and going the rest of the way by coach’

‘I am from the future and I’ve been sent back as a matter of urgency to kill Gillian McKeit.’

‘This is Darth, everyone.  If you’d like to sit next to the Skywalkers, I’ll put Jabba in between the Wan Kenobies’

‘On my planet, Earth, young women greet men by putting this in their mouths and sucking repeatedly’

‘I told you we should have got petrol on Jupiter, but oh no Mr Knowitall had to cut it fine…’

‘We are from the planet Gay, we are dying out but have beautiful furnishings and a showtune collection that is second to none.’

‘Inland Revenue. Mr. Jedi-it’s about your return.’

‘Hello, big boy. So, why do they call you “Chewy”?’

‘Look, Darth, we’ve just come 4,000 light years. Are you sure you left the iron on?’

‘I have two hearts and fourteen anuses.’

‘Captain, I teleported down to the planet but I seem to have lost my cock in the process’

‘There he is, officer.  It’s that guy from the future betting on the 3.30 at Haydock again’

‘Scotty, you’ve underestimated the gravity again. I think I’ve broken my nose on the pavement’

‘Ill-thought out, and frankly dreadful prequel, this is’

‘Earthlings, your weapons are useless against us-they’re British-made’

‘My mother is from Earth but my father is a Vulcan, which is why I’m circumsized’

‘Apparently Chekhov has got three sisters, if you know what I mean’

‘Princess Leia, you say you’ve never been to Earth, yet you have hair like a Danish pastry’

‘I’ve just seen C3P0 nuts and bolts deep in R2D2’

‘The Dilithium crystals, captain-they’re absolutely fine’

‘We’ve been hit by the Klingons - everyone wobble left to right’

‘Captain’s Log: blah blah, five-year mission. Yadda yadda…’

‘Gordon’s alive, but it’s not looking good’

‘Gordon’s had a stroke!’

‘Gordon’s in a permanent vegetative state’

UNLIKLEY THING TO FIND WRITTEN ON TOILET PAPER PACKAGING

New Extra Strong for those frenzied teenage wanks

New sandpaper softness

New 4-ply for those tiny little ones that smear out of all control

Buy two Shitaways, get one Snotaway free!

Low fat

However beautiful she might be, she’ll still use this.  Get ‘Lady Lav’ for the woman in your life

New Parental Control toilet paper, with semen-activated alarm system

Andrex Brown – for the really stubborn stains

Just add gravy

New Gillian McKeith loo roll, assesses your diet as you wipe

New Sat Lav-woman’s voice directs you to bits you may have missed.

Flypaper Loo, an end to sticky clagnuts for ever.

Man-Rag-for the arsehole in your life

New Two-Way Wax n’ Wipe, cleans your bottom and shaves your sack and crack

With new fragrance: shit

Because you’re worth it

Feels like having your arse licked by a big slobbery dog

No salt added

Tested on animals

Go back to school with new ‘Tracing Paper’ range, or see what you’re doing with new Bacofoil Bog Roll

Serving suggestion

Do not operate heavy machinery when using

Smoking can damage your health

Does not contain nuts

Will explode on contact with water

Recycled – that’s why it’s such a funny colour

New Anal Excel Phallic, clean your arse and be rogered at the same time

Reusable

Just add water

You can use as many cute puppies as you like, but all this does it wipe shit out of the crack of your arse

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN A PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE

‘Look at his inkblot of two lesbians doing it and tell me what you see’

“Hello? Hello?! What sort of a greeting is that? You’re obviously a closet homosexual with an Oedipus complex’

‘You think you’ve got troubles…’

“I insist on all my female patients taking their tops off. Flub-lb-lb-lb"

‘I’ll need to strap you in for this one’

‘I’ll have to hurry you, I’m seeing Mr Bonaparte at two o’clock’

‘Your mother’s quite a fox – I’m not surprised you want to shag her’

‘What you made there was what we call a Freudian cock – I mean slip’

‘Deny it all you like, I can tell you fancy me’

‘Sorry, you’re not allowed up on the couch’

‘If you feel a bump – that’ll be my erection’

‘I’d like to analyse your dreams-but only the filthy ones’

‘Never mind about your childhood’

‘Well, I don’t get many eighteen-year-old blondes who try and cure me of their sexual-oh, I’ve come’

‘You’re what we psychiatrists refer to, technically, as a “fruitcake”’

‘You lie on the couch, which I’ve just noticed resembles a giant penis’

‘I think I can diagnose your condition-you’re mental’

‘No, no, keep talking – my iPod’s playing up’

‘Tell me your sexual hang-ups again, Miss Jones – only more slowly and in time with my right hand. I’ll just get some tissues’

‘The good news is that you are perfectly sane. The bad news is that I’m as mad as a hatter’

‘We’ll try word association. I’ll say a word and you say the first thing that comes into your breasts’

‘OK, I’m going to show you some objects, what do they make you think of?  The first one is… my penis’

‘Well, I’ve read all of Freud, although admittedly I mean Clement’

‘Sane? You’ve just paid me £300 for the last hour’

‘You don’t have to be mad to come here, but you are’

Mock The Week: All-New Scenes We'd Like To See is avaialble to pre-order through Amazon. Click here to do just that!