The Simpsons

1) MOE

Maxim’s favourite character, Moe Szyslak is found at the front of every angry mob in Springfield. His voice is based on Al Pacino.

Moe: Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch ‘em in the face, and for what? For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt unless you’re on a team. Well, I’m better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy, store-bought dirt. That stuff’s loaded with nutrients. I… I can’t compete with that stuff.

Season 7, Team Homer

(Moe takes a lie-detector test following Mr Burns’ shooting)

Eddie: Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?

Moe: No! (piercing buzz) All right, maybe I did. But I didn’t shoot him (pleasant ding)

Eddie: Checks out. Okay sir, you’re free to go.

Moe: Good, ‘cause I got a hot date tonight. (buzz) A date (buzz). Dinner alone (buzz). Watching TV alone (buzz). All right! I’m going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria’s Secret catalogue (buzz). Sears catalogue (ding). Now would you unhook this already please? I don’t deserve this kind of shabby treatment (buzz).

Season 7, Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two)

(Moe, Barney and Homer have been rescued from a group of angry reindeer by John, a homosexual)

Barney: Aw Moe, we were saved by a sissy.

Moe: Yeah, yeah, we’ll never live it down. Ah jeez, looks like its suicide again for me.

Season 8, Homer’s Phobia

(Moe is ordering some flowers for his new girlfriend)

Moe: (Into phone) Yeah, I want to send her two dozen roses and I want to put somethin’ nice on the card like, um, ah, ‘Renee, my treasure..’ (Barney starts laughing) Hey, shut up or I’ll ram a stool down your throat! (Getting back on the phone) I, ah, no, no, no- I don’t want that on the card. Well, let me hear how it sounds. (Pause) Nah, nah, take it out, take it out.

Season 9, Dumbbell Indemnity

(Flanders admits he’s sixty)

Lenny: What’s your secret Flanders? Goat placenta? Monkey sweat?

Carl: Some kind of electric hat?

Moe: Holy water? It’s holy water, right?

(Moe gets up and splashes holy water in his face)

Moe: Ahhhhh! It burns!

Season 10, Viva Ned Flanders

2) LENNY

Aka Lenford Leonard. His relationship with best friend Carl Carlson make them Springfield’s best non-cat and mouse double act. 

Mayor Quimby: I hereby declare a state of emergency: Code Black.

Lenny: Black? That's the worst colour there is.

(Turning to Carl)

Lenny: No offence there, Carl.

Carl: I get it all the time.

The Simpsons Movie

(A silver dollar Burns has thrown from the top of a building lodges in Lenny’s forehead)

Lenny: Owwwww! Ow! Take it out, take it out!

(Carl pulls it out. Blood spurts from the wound)

Lenny: Oh! Oooh! Put it back! Put it back!

(The bleeding stops)

Lenny: That was a close one. Wanna go bowling?

Carl: Maybe you should see a doctor about that coin in your brain.

Lenny: Maybe you should mind your own business.

Season 10, Monty Can’t Buy Me Love

3) MILHOUSE

Uber-nerd, and one-time Fall Out Boy, Milhouse Van Houten easily outshines best mate Bart in our non-spectacled eyes.

(Burns is holding auditions to find himself an heir)

Milhouse: I have nothing to offer you but my love.

Burns: I specifically said, ‘No Geeks’.

Millhouse: But my Mom says I’m cool.

Burns: Next.

Season 5, Burns’ Heir

(Attempting to steal back the Springfield Lemon tree, Milhouse is ambushed by a blue-haired Shelbyville kid)

Milhouse: Is this the untimely end of Milhouse?

Blue-haired kid: But Milhouse is my name!

Milhouse: And I thought I was the only one.

Blue-haired kid: A pain I know all too well.

(The pair embrace)

Milhouse: So this is what it feels like when doves cry.

Season 6, Lemon of Troy

Bart: Santa’s Little Helper? Guess I was the only one who loved him.

Milhouse: You got that right. Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?

Season 8, The Canine Mutiny

4 C. MONTGOMERY BURNS

Springfield’s oldest resident, Mr Burns is apparently worth 6 million. Harry Shearer based his voice on Ronad Reagan

(Burns is launching his new casino)

Burns: Smithers, do you think you could dig up Al Jolson?

Smithers: Ummm... Remember we tried that?

Mr. Burns: Oh right, he's dead... and rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget.

Season 5, $pringfield (Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Legalized Gambling)

Burns: I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers, For one thing, there are too many fat children.

Season 8, Bart After Dark

(Burns speaks his mind on recycling)

Burns: Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favour? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys. Nature started the fight for survival and now she wants to quit because she’s losing? Well, I say ‘hard cheese’.

Season 8, The Old Man and the Lisa 

5) CHIEF WIGGUM

Doughnut loving father of Ralph, the surname Wiggum was Matt Groening’s mum’s maiden name

Wiggum: (Seeing Fat Tony and his mobsters dragging a body wrapped in a sheet to the lake) Uh sorry, sorry, no dumping in the lake!

Fat Tony: Fine, I will put my ‘yard trimmings’ in a car compactor.

(He and the mobsters walk off with the body)

Lou: Uh, Chief, I think there was a dead body in there.

Wiggum: I thought that too, until he said yard trimmings. You gotta learn to listen, Lou.

The Simpsons Movie

Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a…car of some sort. Heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chilli. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

Season 4, Homer’s Triple Bypass

(Sideshow Bob has been arrested, again)

Bart: Take him away boys.

Wiggum: Hey, I’m the chief here! Bake him away, toys.

Lou: What’d you say, Chief?

Wiggum: Do what the kid says.

Season 5, Cape Feare

6) COMIC BOOK GUY

The comic fatso translated Lord of The Rings into Klingon for his master’s degree. Real name: Jeff Albertson.

Comic Book Guy: Last night’s Itchy and Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Bart: Hey, I know it wasn’t great, but what right do you have to complain?

Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.

Bart: What? They’ve given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? If anything, you owe them!

Comic Book Guy: Worst episode ever.

Season 8, The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show

Comic Book Guy: Hmmm…these Bat-pants have been shredded by The Riddler.

Dry Cleaner Clerk: No, just your ass.

Comic Book Guy: That’s what I call my ass.

Season 14, Old Yeller-Belly

7) KENT BROCKMAN

We reckon the Emmy-winning news buffoon is the most underated character of the lot. Great set of ties too.

Kent Brockman: We win again. But the real winners here are Marge's Hors D'Oeuvres.

Homer: How do you come up with such witty remarks?

(Close-up shot of Brockman’s ear mic)

Guy in Van: I guess you could say it’s my racket.

Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.

Homer: Get off my property.

Season 12, Tennis The Menace

Kent Brockman: Dozens of people are gunned down each day, but until now, none of them was important. I’m Kent Brockman. At 3 PM Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at Town Hall. Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital where doctors upgraded his condition to ‘alive.’

Season 7, Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two)

Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we’ve just lost the picture, but what we’ve seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over, ‘conquered’, if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It’s difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them. The ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I’d like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

Season 5, Deep Space Homer