Things We Learnt

War Horse

Steven Spielberg fancies a few more awards
It's hard to think of a film that's so packed with sequences pulled together with Oscar clips in mind. Thoughtfully, there's one of those swirling soundtracks, too, so the producers of the Oscar show won't even have to buy in any fresh music. Result.

Steven Spielberg does not fancy horses
Of this we're pretty sure, but you've be hard pressed to submit War Horse as Exhibit A if the case went to court. It's as close to equine softcore porn as you're likely to get from a major film director.

There were lots of actors walking by the set when the film was shooting
Which handily explains why people suddenly appear, seemingly out of nowhere. Recognisable actors suddenly walk in, then disappear, then some more come in. It feels like a bit of a RADA school trip out at times. Just without the posh sandwiches.

There aren't enough action sequences in the world with ploughs in
Never mind this nonsense that Spielberg can't do action scenes any more. The essential ingredients he was missing were a muddy field, and a plough. In that one field, he makes digging up a field approximately 400% more interesting than the entirety of Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull.

In a moment of major peril in the midst of a combat situation, stay close to horses from Dorset
It matters not whether bullets are flying, tanks are rolling in, or barbed wire lies in your way. Two sugar lumps, a pat on the back for your steed, and a bit of John Williams music will see you through.

Be wary of British thespians with fake facial hair
Unless they happen to have played Sherlock Holmes on the small screen, they're unlikely to have your best interests at heart.

Even geese have feelings
Steven Spielberg knows this. Which is why, er, he cuts to the face of one for an important reaction shot. We thought our popcorn had been spiked.

Sometimes, trailers tell the truth
War Horse really is a drab as the promo for it. Just longer. Much, much longer.