1/ It’s astonishing how many people think the grossly oversized vest, new era flat cap, heroin addict look, is for them - just because they’re at a festival.
2/ You have to reach a certain level of importance to be chauffeured around the festival park in the little PR driven golf buggies. Lazy Maxim journos do not meet this level.
3/ Celebrities never have to queue for anything… ever.
4/ Jessie J appeared to be sat down during her whole performance. Lazy.
5/ It is possible to ask for the same cocktail in the Louder Lounge cocktail bar and receive 3 different variations of it. We weren’t complaining, all were decent.
6/ Pixie Lott is very nice, both in looks and demeanour – and doesn’t mind when you spill Carling Black Label on her shoes.
7/ ‘If it’s free, try it’. The wrong mantra to utilise when offered complimentary eye brow threading in the Jim Shaw Grooming Tent. It hurts.
8/ The Louder Lounge chefs cook a mean lamb burger. Sadly we were only allowed one, despite protestations that ‘James Corden nicked our other one’.
Which of course, he didn’t.
9/ After a few drinks in close proximity to him, the urge not to ask Neil from The Inbetweeners to ‘do the robot dance’ is a hard one to supress.
10/ Attractive salon girls can all too easily convince you it’s a good idea to visit the complimentary St Tropez tent. But convincing people that the pong of fake tan you’re emitting is the new CK scent and you just ‘got lucky with the sun in Dorset last weekend’ is trickier.
11/ The fairground rides are surprisingly good at V Festival, though no friend to the man who has gorged on hot dogs and and Pimms.
12/ Never laugh at people wearing wellies when it’s sunny. Two hours later when they’re moshing in the mud and your cradling your ruined Sebago’s you won’t feel so smug.
13/ The walk from the festival park to the station is not ‘just down the road’. It is enough to grossly underestimate and make you miss your (last) train home.
14/ Apparently V festival goers book ALL hotel rooms in the surrounding area 12 months in advance. Maxim learnt this the hard way. Cheers Travelodge, for laughing in our faces over the intercom at 2 am.
15/ Chelmsford cab drivers have higher financial demands than Man City’s midfield.
16/ You can’t order Magners in the Strongbow Tent.
17/ The Only Way is Essex cast were unsurprisingly, the first people to sport glitter tattoos.
18/ ‘Lil – let’ portaloos are the nicest portable toilets we’ve ever been in. On the downside, they’re so pristine you feel going for anything more than a quick whizz in one is sacrilege for fear of being the one that ruins their perfumed odour.
19/ It’s possible to witness 100 neo Nazi looking thugs jumping up and down headbutting each other to Tinie Tempah’s ‘Pass Out’ one minute, to see them hugging and singing along to Bruno Mars the next.
20/. Tinie Tempah is absolutely class live.
21/ Maxim should not be allowed in the karaoke tent next year. Would whoever videoed us please delete the footage. Reward offered.
22/ In house DJ’s think it’s cool to sing along to their own music. It isn’t.
23/ Apparently Jessie J had a broken leg, (explaining the lack of dance moves). We retract original comment.
24/ We will definitely be going back to V Festival again.
25/ We will definitely be bringing camping gear.
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