THE OBESE DEFENCE
Richard Cooey, pulled up on a double murder and rape charge, actually had his lawyers attempt to save him from an impending death penalty by arguing he was ‘too fat to die’. Seemingly, the negligent and cruel penitentiary system was responsible for the ginger-bearded beast’s colossal weight gain – quite why they felt this was a good enough reason to keep him alive is uncertain. When this line of argument failed, the legal ‘eagles’ claimed the defendant’s medication might react badly to the lethal injection drugs. Unfortunately for the fat man, the judge didn’t buy into his last gasp plea and decided to roll the dice and proceed as normal.
THE GREAT FELLATIO DEFENCE
Charles Barkley (not to be confused with the hip hop duo responsible for that irritating 'Crazy' jingle a few years back) relied on the rarely used 'sexual impatience' defense when hit with a DUI back in 2009. Pulled by the boys in blue for running a stop sign and asked where he was going in such a rush, the NBA star (who at the time was running for a Governor's seat in Alabama) hit the cops with a Jack Nicholson esque 'You want the truth??'. When they informed Barkley, yes in fact they did – he stated he was in a hurry to get a blow job off the girl he had in the passenger seat - having sampled one a week earlier, claiming it was 'the best he had ever had'. Sensing he had not won the cops over, Barkley tried to get one of them to at least concede how 'hot' the girl was. Unsurprisingly, he was still charged – perhaps a 'blue balls' defense would have held up longer.
THE NON INSANE AUTOMATISM DEFENCE
A long haul plane journey can be a taxing experience to endure, no doubt about it. When faced with 8 hours of cramped conditions watching Shrek 3 (that you've already seen six times) even the calmest of us possesses the urge to go postal and throw a tantrum half way through. Most however, will sip a g n' t and suppress these urges. Not REM's Paul Buck. After sampling a 'small amount of wine' the guitarist went mad, covering a BA stewardess in yoghurt, verbally abused the captain, stole a knife and upended a drinks trolley (having unsuccessfully tried to play a CD in it). Citing a defense of 'non insane automatism', brought on by too much plonk and an Ambien, Buck claimed he had no idea what he was doing, and was unable to control his actions. Miraculously he was let off. Talk about having All The Right Friends...
THE ACCIDENTALLY POPPING OFF DEFENCE
‘I picked up the loaded
sawn-off shotgun while surrounded by armed police, but I don’t remember
firing it.’ Not exactly a watertight alibi. This was the justification
offered by defendant Michael Boyd having been arrested for opening fire
on police officers after a domestic spat with his girlfriend. During the
trial he later admitted, he only entered this armed stand-off with the
police to ‘teach his girlfriend a lesson’. The aforementioned lesson
being that she can’t just go running to the bacon every time he ‘pushes’
her face, as he tried to have the jury believe. Boyd’s last excuse was
that he didn’t actually open fire, because he didn’t have enough bullets
to kill everyone. Sensible.
THE CLASSIC IGNORANCE DEFENCE
As moronic defences go, this laughable attempt at an acquittal from lawyer George Thomas truly takes the biscuit. In a post-9/11 world, Thomas laboured to convince judges that his client wasn’t aware his crime of forcing his way on to a plane, firing a gun at the ceiling and taking everyone on board hostage was illegal. As anyone who’s been to the States or knows anything at ALL about 9/11 will attest, one thing the Americans do not treat lightly is f***ing about on their aeroplanes. When uttering the word ‘bomb’ can get you a 0,000 fine it’s unsurprising that Thomas’ cretin of a client was sent down for a long time.
THE CORONARY DEFENCE
Our favourite defence of the lot is that of Mr Keison Wilkins. Turning up to court in a suit borrowed from Liverpool’s 1996 Cup Final wardrobe, Wilkins went through the motions of appearing uncomfortable, clutching at his heart and promptly collapsing in front of the gallery and highly unimpressed judge. With a commitment to his performance that would have impressed Christian Bale, Wilkins slumped into his chair, feigning unconsciousness for 40 minutes before being startled awake by the classic cure for all heart attack patients: smelling salts. Momentarily stirred, Wilkins went back to napping through the trial. The judge proceeded and gave him a 42-year sentence. Ahh well…it was worth a go.
THE DOMESTIC ABUSE DEFENCE
Louis Palmer, accused of sexual assault and ABH, tried to wangle his slimy form out of a conviction by announcing that sometimes ‘hysterical’ women needed a bit of physical violence to ‘bring them around’. In true testament to Palmer’s character, this assault all took place on his stag night. His defence? ‘I just wanted to cheat on my wife in a filthy alley before our wedding, okay?’
Despite this eloquent excuse, the judge sentenced Palmer to seven years in jail. And, in a display of misguided loyalty that would even have John Terry’s wife shaking her head, Palmer’s gal honoured their plans and got hitched before he went to prison.
THE COKED-UP BARMAID DEFENCE
The ol' Columbian marching powder has tainted the careers of many an
athlete over the decades, from Merson to Maradona, Henderson to Hingis.
That said, none of them thought of adopting a defense as audacious as
that deployed by French tennis star Richard Gasquet in 2009. Having
tested positive for cocaine use after pulling out of a tournament, Wily
Rich and his team of slippery lawyers actually managed to convince the
anti independent anti doping tribunal that he had only ingested the drug
having indulged in a bit of tonsil hockey with a waitress who 'had to
have been' using earlier in the evening. This excuse, compounded with
Gasquet's apparent 'shy reserved, honest and truthful character' meant
he was cleared of any wrongdoing. Read it and weep Diego...
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