Ten ways to get rid of your unwanted girlfriend on Valentines Day

1/ Forget the day entirely. (More impressive if you’ve celebrated it with said girlfriend for the last couple of years)

Bloke ‘Oh yeah…it’s today? Yeah I completely forgot. No biggie eh? Don’t worry I’ll definitely remember your birthday next month.

Girl: It’s next week.

2/ Deliberately book a ‘spontaneous’ lads trip away.

Bloke: ‘ Well – that’s the weekend flights were at their cheapest…yeah I suppose that is the reason why. Yes the other lads are all single…what can I say? I’m happy in that crowd’.

3/ Get her name wrong in her Valentines card (option of doing a very pointed line through it for effect but only so the wrong girls name is still visible).

4/ Remind her that your ex never put much stock in Valentines Day and you got on much better with her than because she ‘got’ you.

5/ Arrive home from work with a bunch of Valentines Day gifts, but rather than giving any to your expectant missus – explain that you received these from various admirers in the office that you may or may not have told you were single.

6/ Argue that you can’t celebrate Valentines Day this year because money’s a bit tight and your only spending dough on essentials this month. Before coming home with a £760 remote control plane that ‘sort of looked worth it’.

7/ Make a mixtape. An appropriate collection of songs you carefully selected just for her. These should include: Michael Bolton, ‘I Said I Loved You, But I Lied’, Boyz II Men, ‘End of the Road’ and Eamon’s : ‘Don’t want you back’. 

8/ Buy her dead flowers. When she points out they are dead you reply:

‘Yes…I feel they are indicative of our decaying relationship’.

She will think you’re all mournful, deep and clever but ultimately resigned to breaking up with you.

9/ Claim that your mates have dared you £50 to try and get as obese and unattractive as you possibly can over the next few months in a bid to find out how much your other half loves you.

Tell your outraged girlfriend you need the money.

10/ Ask her as a ‘Special Valentines Present’, if you can have a threesome with her and one of her mates. If, by some miracle, she asks whom, simply seal your fate replying ‘ Any…I fancy almost all of them, but not Melissa – she’s stopped replying to my texts’