John’s Not Mad was a documentary, aired in 1989, that told the story of John Davidson, a 15-year-old from Gallishiels in Scotland who had severe Tourette’s syndrome. It caused a sensation at the time: the disease was relatively unheard of and its manifestations – nervous ticks, swearing, spitting and barking – were shocking and terribly sad in equal measure. Viewers with no empathy or imagination may have found the swearing outbursts nervously funny, but any considered watching was heartwrenching.
The programme shadowed John: with his family, shopping, eating, at school, with friends. It made clear the difficulties John faced just getting through the day. Simply paying for groceries was a struggle. A trip to the library proved impossible. People found it hard to accept John’s condition and he felt isolated and frustrated. It was heartbreaking viewing. John's pain and upset, and that of his family, was clear and difficult to watch. One particularly poignant scene showed John, his mother, his brother and sister sitting down to eat their supper. John's yelps and spitting made the meal something of an ordeal, but his family did their best to make it normal. His father, however, was absent: we are told he couldn't face eating with his son. His grandmother thought John possessed by the Devil.
All of us have angry curses, I think, rising in us, but we repress them, we inhibit them. In John it leaps over the bounds of inhibition. He feels too much and too much comes out of him. There is a transparency we don’t have.
In 2009 a film crew revisited John as he continued to struggle with the disease. “Next time you feel you are going to sneeze,” he said. “Try your best not to sneeze. Eventually you have to sneeze. And that is similar to what it is like. You know that it is coming. You try to stop it, but you can’t.” John has a disease, but we all have the problem. We should accept and understand him and fellow sufferers.
The transcript of John’s words from the 1989 documentary I thought best put across the struggle Tourette’s sufferers live with daily. I think it reads like a poem.
John’s Not Mad
Some of the time
When it feels bad
I just feel like killing myself.
Something like that.
You feel so bad.
Wank.
Shit.
Fuck off.
Fuck it.
Whole pigs.
It feels like
It’s Hard to explain.
When I feel
I’m going to say it
I try to stop myself.
But I feel
It’s as if I have to say it
As if someone is forcing it out of me.
Um.
Fuck it.
Fuck ‘em.
Fuck it.
Cunt
Cunt.
Oh God.
Fuck it.
Fuck.
Fuck off.
Fuck.
What kind of coffee do you want mum?
We need dog meat as well.
Slut.
Mum ya slut.
Any biscuits?
I need a bulb for my bedroom remember.
Is it a big one or a normal one.
I don’t know.
Just get a normal one.
It should fit.
Fuck.
Fucking Nescafe.
Do you want Nescafe or Maxwell House?
Hey, fuck off.
Sometimes I think I say them
And I know they’re disgusting
And I know
That somebody is going to get angry about it
Or turn their back about it
And when I think of that
It just makes me worse.
That’s exactly what my mum thinks as well.
The noises as well
I know it’s going to annoy somebody
But I just can’t stop myself
From doing it.
I used to walk through the town
In Gallashiels
To get back and forward to college
But
Recently
I’ve not being doing that.
And when I used to walk through the town
I felt alright
I wasn’t bothered by anyone looking at me
And that
But now
I can’t cope walking through the town
I just feel like
Everyone is looking at me.
And now I walk
I detour
Right around the town to go to college.
I suppose the things
I choose
It’s like
I’m trying to avoid
Other people.
Like when I see a pal
A friend
Somebody I know that’s fishing
I’d rather be further down the river
On my own
Fishing
Than be with
Someone else.
When I first started at school
I was getting teased a lot
Because I blinked.
From then on
I never used to want to go to school.
I just
Because of getting teased
Cunt
Fuck
So my mum
Just let me stay off
Then phones the school and explained
I was getting teased
And the school said
Right
We’ll look into it.
Then I’d go the next day
And it would be the same thing.
And I’d end up
Walking out of school.
For instance
When I am walking through the college
When I started college
I was making noises
And I’d get a funny look
Then about a week later
They would come after me and shout things
And I knew instantly
As soon as I’d start speaking to them
They’d just laugh
Or say, ‘Oh right’
They don’t believe you.
There was a teacher
That just didn’t want to accept it as well.
He was explained
And he told them at the time
That he would understand
But a couple of weeks in the classroom
He just threw me out.
He just
Couldn’t cope.
He kept saying that I was just
Disrupting the classroom
And I wasn’t able
To be in the classroom
Because of It.
Nasty things like that.
He says a couple of times
To the boys
If I went to the toilet
‘I hope he doesn’t come back’.
He was really nasty.
Fuck off Cunt.
Sometimes I just feel like
Everyone hates you.
Just because I’ve got this
I feel like everyone hates me.
Fuck off.
Hey!
Fuck off.
Fuck off.
Fuck it.
Cunt.
Are you ready Coby?
Are you ready?
I’m afraid so.
Look at that
Fucking idiot
Prick
Shit oh fuck.
Away you cunt.
You wee
Bibbs you fat cunt
Hey big nose
Fuck’s sake
Cunt
That’s Coby’s
Fucking cunt
Whoops
Fucking idiot
Shut up
Thump you one
Does it fuck
Ah Christ
Now you can see why I don’t like sitting with you
You not want that bit of fish?
It’s the chips that fill me up
Pardon me
What kind of fish is this?
Haddock?
Cod?
I’ll have it
No I won’t
Oh for God’s sake
Cunt
Four first class stamps please
Fuck off
I want to enquire about a dog licence.
I just keep wondering why
Why it has to be me
And not Folks that are criminals
Or deserve it.
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