Happy birthday, big Ron!
Football’s most idiosyncratic/idiotic/controversial pundit will be blowing out the candles on his 70th birthday cake today. He’s what we like to call a “great character”, so daft racist incidents aside, why not celebrate the silliest and most brilliant sides of “Bojangles”?
Big Ron was a crap player. Better than you or me, sure, but by no means a world beater. He was originally signed by Aston Villa at the age of 17, but never played a first-team match and was farmed out to Oxford United (then called Headington United) in 1959 on a free. He made over 500 appearances as a wing-half, earning the nickname "The Tank” along the way. But it was his managerial career that would cement his reputation as a formidable footballing presence.
He managed the following:
1971–1974 Kettering Town
1974–1978 Cambridge United
1978–1981 West Bromwich Albion
1981–1986 Manchester United
1987–1988 West Bromwich Albion
1988–1989 Atlético Madrid
1989–1991 Sheffield Wednesday
1991–1994 Aston Villa
1995–1996 Coventry City
1997–1998 Sheffield Wednesday
1999 Nottingham Forest
2006 Peterborough United (caretaker)
Some people remember him for his racist slur against Marcel Desailly. Believing the microphone to be switched off, he said, "...he [Desailly] is what is known in some schools as a lazy thick nigger".
Previously, in an incident not widely reported in the English press, he said about famed AS Roma player, Francesco Totti: "He actually looks a little twat, that Totti" which was broadcast to amazed German TV viewers.
He also exclaimed that "Chinese women were the unprettiest in the world...". And that the huge population of China was because of their lack of understanding of contraception.
WHAT A CARD EH?!
Anyway, all this fairly contemptible racism aside, he did invent brilliant football commentary utterisms that have become known in the English vernacular as "Big-Ronisms" or "Ronglish". Learn the key phrases below (taken from the brilliant www.dangerhere.com):
EARLY DOORS
Ron’s rather uneconomical alternative for the times when he finds the
word ‘early’ on its own somehow doesn’t quite get across the earliness
of the situation.
In the end, this completely useless phrase became his finest hour – becoming unanimously adopted by everyone in football.
Ron might say:
Well United went one down early doors, but all credit, those four penalties certainly got them back in it.
Mrs Ron might say:
Sorry about your steak Ron, love. I’ve put it in the oven early doors but I forgot to turn it on, didn’t I? Just one of those things, at the end of the day.
SECOND POST
Where less helpful pundits would talk about the ‘far post’, Ron – never one to discriminate against the uninitiated – thoughtfully provides a clue as to the location of this post to those not familiar with the rudiments of goalpost construction.
After years of persuasion by National Institute of Commentating boffins, Ron eventually went so far as to extend this mathemathical approach to post identification. So much so that he eventually cleared up the whole near post issue as well. First post it is then.
Ron might say:
.. and nobody’s picked up Owen at the second post. Shame about the finish.
Mrs Ron might say:
That new sunbed not arrived then Ron? Don’t worry love, it might come in the second post.
LITTLE EYEBROWS
The rich visual content of the Ronglish vocabulary is showcased with this delightful description of a glancing backward header. Often used in conjunction with ’second post’.
While much of Ron’s language spread quickly throughout the football world, this key phrase had to be adapted slightly for the Sky era.
Andy Gray – a chief Ronglish plagiarist – truncated the term to “eyebrows”, a subtle tribute to the anything-but-little eyebrows sported by Richard Keys.
Ron might say:
It’s gone in there, little eyebrows from Bouldy and there’s big Tone steaming in at the second post.
TELL YOU WHAT
The fledgling language’s single most indispensable element. Complex Ronglish syntax rules state that ‘tell you what’ must preface every exclamation, statement of fact, or off-the-cuff remark.
Be warned also that this landmark phrase can signal the beginning of an extended tirade of pure Ronglish.
Ron might say:
Tell you what, spotter’s badge for Beckham early doors, the boy Rooney’s given it the full gun, and there’s the big lighthouse sneaking in at the second post.
Mrs Ron might say:
Tell you what, that dress is a bit tasty Ron. Get your wallet out… and mind your back love.
The man's a genius. Once again, happy brithday, Big Ron!
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