Tough love

50 Hardest things in the world

50 – Hardest Helicopter – Longbow Apache WAH-64.
These buggers are just plain vicious, hunting in packs behind enemy lines, turning tank battalions into mangled metal. Armed with 16 radio-frequency missiles, it’s capable of making computer assessments of battlefield risks and tanks in under 15 seconds, before setting the weapons systems of all supporting Apaches to fire simultaneously. There’s also a 30mm chain gun with a whopping 2km range. Nasty.
 
49 – Hardest Fighter Aircraft – Eurofighter Typhoon.
The Typhoon is sheer airborne devastation with bells and whistles on. According to Paul Beaver of Jane’s Defence Weekly it can dogfight an enemy aircraft while firing at another up to 100 miles away, then fly off at over 1,500mph. Its weaponry includes ASRAAM high-speed missiles and long-range air-to-air missiles, and its defensive system can counter all known incoming missiles. Enemy pilots should get their surrender in early.

48 – Hardest Tank – Challenger Two.
The Challenger Two is 65 tonnes of trouble. Its gun can annihilate 12 enemy tanks in a piffling 60 seconds at a range of 5km, while travelling at 70kmph. Phew! The crew are virtually untouchable, encased in ultra-tough armour plating.
 
47 – Hardest Bomb – 57-megatons.
On 30 Oct 1961 at 8.33am, Russians let rip the hardest nuclear bomb ever detonated over the Novaya Zemlya area of the USSR. The 57-megatron bomb was 380 times more powerful than the Hiroshima bomb. The shockwave from the secret detonation circled the world three times in 36 hours and 27 mins. In 1963, the government admitted they’d built a 100-megatron device.
 
46 – Hardest Gun – Schwerer Gustav
With an 80cm (31.5 inch) calibre barrel measuring 28.87 metres, this World War Two supergun could lob an 8.1 ton shell over 13 miles. It weighed 1,344 tonnes and had to be manned by 1,500 sweaty, and no doubt hearing-impaired, Germans.
 
45 – Hardest Water – Cape Horn, South America.
Waves here reach 80 feet in height, force ten, 11 and 12 winds rage, and being only 200 miles from the Antarctic Ocean, the water is well beyond bracing. In days of yore 300ft ships used to be tossed around like lettuce in a mixed salad. These days? It’s no different.
 
44 – Hardest City – Bogota, Columbia.
Bogota is tough. Drug barons and guerrillas infest the place like flies and brutal violence occurs daily. Around 23 people are murdered each day, and the leading cause of death for citizens aged between ten and 60 is violence. This gives Bogota the highest murder rate per capita of anywhere in the world.
 
43 - Hardest Country – Somalia, Africa.
In 1993, the US sent some crack troops into Mogadishu, the capital of Somalia, to arrest a warlord. Eighteen were killed, dozens were wounded. It’s no wonder that the author of Fielding’s The World’s Most Dangerous Places, Robert Young Pelton, reckons Somalia is, ‘Too tough to conquer…to brutal to rule.’

42 – Hardest Holiday Destination – Brazil, South America.
Beautiful beaches, the land of silky football and home to the World Cup in 2014; it sounds like a perfect place to visit. According to Government travel advice, ‘Levels of violence and crime are high. Outbreaks of violence, particularly aimed at police and officials can be widespread and unpredictable. There have been instances where gangs have set buses alight leaving passengers inside after robbing them.’ Yikes, we’ll be off to Devon then.

41 – Hardest Mountain – K2, Western Himalayas.
Situated on the China-India border, K2 stands 29,028 feet tall (the second highest peak in the world.), and kills, on average, every fourth person that tries to conquer its summit. Only 284 people have braved the avalanches and 60 degree slopes to reach the top. Huge storms can rage for years – between 1986 and 1991 K2 became a no-go area

40 – Hardest Way To Die – Spread-Eagled And Speared.
Crucifixion? Pish- that’s an easy exit. In the 13th century, the Chinese would spread-eagle a chap over still-growing, sharpened bamboo stalks. The stalks would gradually impale the victim, anus-first. Fed and watered so he’d survive, the victim’s new role as herbaceous border would provide incalculable pain for several hours and then he’d die.
 
39 – Hardest Gas – Hydrocyanic Gas.
Used in state killings on America’s Death Row, the blue-ish gas destroys haemoglobin (the stuff that carries oxygen around the body) in the blood. Unconsciousness will occur within a few seconds if the victim takes a deep breath. Death takes six to 18 minutes.

38 – Hardest Torture – Being Boiled.
Being dumped in a pot of boiling water – a fashionable medieval torture for Christian martyrs – results in extreme, no dammit, unbearable pain. If you were ever unfortunate enough to experience it, you would plead to be let out and have your genitals electrocuted. Dr Tim Nash, a consultant in pain management at the Walton Centre For Neurology and Neurosurgery in Liverpool, reckons that being boiled is one of the worst pains a human can experience. ‘It would be as a painful as burning, but slower,’ he says. ‘All the nerves would be affected simultaneously, and the pain wouldn’t stop until they’d all been boiled off.’ Ouch.

37 – Hardest Football Hooligans – Barras Brava, Argentina.
You may well shit at the thought of Millwall ‘supporters’ or Aberdeen’s Casuals but both are kittens next to Argentina’s thugs. In 1997 Boca Juniors played against River Plate at Buenos Aires. Both club’s gangs, known as Barras Brava, went to war. The Boca boys machine-gunned the opposition’s coaches, killing two, before taking out a contract out on the head of a critical TV commentator.
 
36 – Hardest Explorer – Sir Ranulph Fiennes.
There’s only one choice – Sir Ranulph. In 1980 he endured the numbing Antarctic weather to reach the South Pole. Not content with that, he set off and travelled the length of the Earth to the North Pole. Then went back to London, clocking up 35,000 miles. Then, in 1992 he went back to the South Pole. This time on his own. For 94 days.
 
35 – Hardest Drinkers – Luxembourg.
The citizens of the Grand Duchy may be piss-poor at football but, on average, they sink 20.4 pints of pure alcohol per person each year. The UK? Only 12.9.

34 – Hardest Actor – Danny ‘The Major,’ Trejo.
He is undoubtedly the hardest actor around. The former child drug addict and welterweight boxing champion of San Quentin prison spent 11 years in and out of jail for armed robbery and drug offences before becoming a Hollywood fight trainer. He quickly took up screen roles, mainly ones which required him to chuck large knives around. Which he did in Heat, Con Air, From Dusk Til Dawn and Desperado.

33 – Hardest Boxer – Muhammad Ali.
Sonny Liston was a world champion boxer in the 60’s. Ali called him ‘an ugly bear,’ and turned up at his house with a bear trap, just to make sure he’d got the message. Then he took him apart in the ring, at the age of 21. Mike Tyson doesn’t even compare. Three times world champ, 61 fights, 56 wins and 37 KOs. Respect.
 
32 – Hardest Sportsman - Racing Driver Vs Ice Hockey Player.
At Silverstone in July 1977, racing drier David Purley survived decelerating from 108 mph to 0 in a 26-inch space – enduring 178.9 Gs, 29 fractures, and six heart stoppages. And he survived. Against him is Marty McSorley. An ‘enforcer,’ for USA hockey team Edmonton. His job is to protect team mates by punching the faces of the other team. The man with the highest number of penalty minutes stacked up once played for two days with a smashed jaw. Winner: Marty McSorley.

31 – Hardest Diner – Monsieur Mangetout.
Michael Lotito aka Monsieur Mangetout stuffs down 900g of metal per day. In his 50 years he’s eaten 18 bikes, 15 supermarket trolleys, seven TV sets, six chandeliers, two beds, a pair of skis, a Cessna Light aircraft and a computer.

30 – Hardest Serial Killer – Pedro Alonso Lopez.
Forget the ‘Rostov Ripper,’ Andrei Chikatilo (52 kills) disregard John Wayne Gacy (33) and bypass Ted Bundy (11). By far the most deadly serial killer was Pedro Alonso Lopez, the ‘Monster Of The Andes.’ In the late 70’s, he moved between Ecuador, Columbia and Peru killing hundreds of young girls. When he was finally captured in 1980, he led police to more than 50 graves. A ‘low estimate,’ put his number of kills at more than 300.

29 – Hardest Woman – Aileen Wuornos.
Her evil, predatory instincts and shooting ability, which helped her notch up seven killings between 1989 and 1990, would impress the apocalyptic Peruvian terrorist group The Shining Path. If work ran dry there, it’s likely that criminal gangs might be impressed by her ability to steal cars, hustle drugs and survive self-inflicted gunshot wounds.

28 – Hardest Despot – Ivan The Terrible.
A completely committed psychopath, the 16th century Russian ruler tortured and killed his victims personally. He’d ride from town to town on a black horse with his henchmen, boiling, slicing and skewering the innocent and feeding them to dogs.
 
27 - Hardest Kids – Sicarios.
Colombian footballer Andres Escobar scored an own goal in the 1994 World Cup and was shot dead by Sicarios, Columbia’s teenage assassins. Brought up on a diet of economic crisis and crossfire in the city of Medellin, the 2,000 or so Sicarios are pre-pubescent boys hired by drug cartels, businessmen and even police to knock off their enemies. Makes the boys on Dagenham council estates look like fluffy bunny rabbits.
 
26 -  Hardest Edible Creature – Fugu Fish.
The Japanese Fugu fish (also goes under the names of Puffer, Globe and Swell) wins this one. Before being served up with chips, the fish must be gutted of certain organs which contain tetrodotoxin, a highly lethal poison which, if eaten, causes paralysis and heart attack within minutes.

25 – Hardest Beetle – Dung Beetle.
The Dung Beetle can lift and roll an object (typically a huge ball of elephant poo) up to 85 times its own body weight. A human can only manage 17.
 
24 – Hardest Sting – The Australian Sea.
Wasp or box jellyfish has killed at least 70 people off the coast of Oz last century. If you’re stranded on a beach with no medical attention you an expect to die in jus four minutes.
 
23 – Hardest Creature – Cockroach.
Yes, there are some other hard insects, like army ants with their giant pincers and giant hornets with their ferocious stings. But could either of those live on soap or glue, survive a deep freeze then go for three months without food? No chance. The rock-solid, hissing, speedy cockroach would then still be well enough to holiday in Chernobyl.

22 – Hardest Snake – Inland Taipan.
The Inland Taipan is the most deadly in the world and lives in Australia. One bite contains enough poison to kill 250,00 mice. On humans its venom works fast, dissolving muscles, disrupting the nervous system and causing internal bleeding. You’d be dead in 30 minutes, a child would only last 15 minutes. Fortunately, this snake lives well away from urban areas.
 
21- Hardest Land Mammal – Tiger
Lions have been known to bring down male giraffes, elephants and hippos. Impressive. But a tiger is bigger and more powerful. The largest species, the Siberian, weighs around 350kg and grows to twice the length of a Great Dane. One male dragged a wild ox 12 metres, which 13 men couldn’t budge at all. Humans are often on the menu for a tiger. In the 30’s when the tiger population was larger, 1,000 to 1,600 people died in tiger’s jaws each year.

20 – Great Sea Creature – Great White Shark.
Pound for pound the largest great white ever measured only weighs in at a measly 10,000 lbs compared to the killer whale’s average 22,046 lbs. But, the great white has rows of serrated teeth that rip flesh with a force of seven tonnes per square inch.

19 – Hardest Trousers – US Army Ripstops.
These are the closest trousers will ever get to being armour-plated. Made to US military specifications, Ripstops are reinforced just about everywhere – arse, crotch, knees – and are designed to be extremely tough, yet lightweight. No trouser can be truly hard without some enormous pockets, though, and these have huge ones on the legs.

18 – Hardest Volcano – Tambora, Indonesia.
Tambora lost her temper on 5 April 1815 and produced a volcano eruption that lasted for five days, during which 43 cubic miles of debris was blasted into the skies. 620 miles of surrounding land was buried by lava. Around 10,000 Indonesians lost their lives from the explosion, while 66,000 died of starvation and disease. It disrupted the weather so much that it started snowing in America. In June.
 
17 – Hardest Music – Black Sabbath.
Dance music producer Moby had a good stab at the title with his ‘Thousand,’ track, released as a B-side in 1993. This goes from a pleasant house tempt to an insanely machine gun-like 1,015bpm. Metallers Judas Priest get second place, as two fans who went through the hell of listening to their opus ‘Do It,’ in 1990 shot themselves. But, in fact, Black Sabbath wins, played by the US Army at an estimated 130 decibels for ten days to extract General Noriega from his Panama hide-out. He came out ‘Paranoid.’

16 – Hardest Religion – Christianity
At 2,000 years old, Christianity is a mere spring chicken of a belief-system, compared with four millennia of Judaism. But with 1.9 billion worshippers planet-wide (33.2% of world population) it is the toughest. It all Christians went to a Hemel Hempstead car park to take on Islam, they’d overcome the one billion Muslims with numbers. As long as they didn’t turn the other cheek.
 
15 – Hardest Body Part – Tooth Enamel
Nails and fists don’t even stand a chance against a healthy set of shining knashers. Coming a surprise second, however, is your hip joint, the toughest bone in your body, capable of supporting your lady thorax for 80 years.
 
14 – Hardest Superhero- Superman
‘Wolverine,’ says Jan Waicek, comic expert at sci-fi shop Forbidden Planet, ‘is hard. He has an adamantine-laced skeleton, which covers his claws. It’s unbreakable and unbluntable.’ Impressive, but not enough. Waicek explains that Superman is king of superheroes. ‘Absolutely nobody can kill him – now how hard is that?’ Very.
 
13 – Hardest Dog – American Pit Bull Terrier Vs Japanese Tosa.
A 200lb Japanese Tosa, solely bred for fighting, would seem the obvious winner in a fight with a weedy 60lb American Pit Bull. But the American Pit Bull is faster on the attack, attacking the Tosa from underneath, with a vicious bite. Stamina secures the Pit Bull’s victory.
 
12 – Hardest Boots – Hi-tech Magnum Peacekeepers.
Peacekeeper boots are made from 100% leather with a heavy-duty steel toe-cap and a mid-sole. They’re also shock-proof, oil-proof and break-proof.
 
11 – Hardest Bike – Yamaha R-7
What sets the £21,000 R-7 apart from a race bike is a set of number plates and a tax disc. What sets it apart from other road bikes is a set of hair-raising figures. It weighs just 176kg, produces 106bhp, a top speed of 185mph and goes from 0-60 in under three seconds. Suzuki’s Hayabusa has a higher top speed, but isn’t as fast accelerating. The R-7’s a tiger.
 
10 – Hardest Job – Journalist, Algeria.
A western journalist in Algeria is recommended to ‘arrange armed protection.’ The Armed Islamic Group in Algeria doesn’t like westerners, but they particularly hate journalists and have killed 70 of them. Any hack entering Algeria is under direct threat of execution. The International Press Bureau has estimated that a journalist working without an armed escort is likely to survive six and a half minutes.
 
9 – Hardest Natural Disaster – Cyclone, 1970, Bangladesh.
The storm that hit Bangladesh on 12 November 1970 combined 150mph winds and 50-foot tidal waves. More than 500,000 people were killed as it gave the Ganges Delta and the offshore islands of Bhola, Kukri Mukri, Manpura, Hatia and Rangabali a pitless lashing. Enough to rattle anyone’s teacup.
 
8 – Hardest Special Forces – SAS.
When Israel’s counter-terrorist unit, the Sayeret Mat’kal tried to rescue 100 child hostages from a school in May 1974, 23 children died, and 70 were wounded. When the Saudi Embassy in Paris was seized in 1973, the French D’intervention De La Gendarmerie Nationale (GIGN) could do nothing. When Delta Force, the Us Army’s First Special Forces Operational Detachment, raided the US Embassy in Iran in 1980 to rescue American hostages, eight Americans died and 50 were hurt. But when our own SAS raided the Iranian Embassy in London during May 1980, five terrorists were killed and all 26 hostages were rescued unhurt. Now, who fancies a war?

7 – Hardest Dinosaur – Carcharodontosaurus Saharicus
Meaning ‘the shark-toothed lizard from the Sahara,’ this scaly beast clocked in at 13.7 metres long. The flesh-eater lived 100 million years ago and could have swatted the 11-metre T-Rex with the sort of easy manner that can only be described as contemptuous.
 
6 – Hardest Chilli – Red Habanero
This superior arse-worrier from Mexico registers a considerable 325,000 on the Scoville scale. The Red Habanero is 65 times hotter than a Jalapeno. In 1994, a record-breaking Red Habaneo came in at an arse-incinerating 577,000 Scovilles.

5 – Hardest Element – Osmium.
This stuff, known as Os in your periodic table of elements at school, is six times denser than lead. Amazingly, one cubic foot of blue-grey coloured Osmium weighs 1,141lbs – that’s roughly the same weight as ten people. Strangely, it’s used in electric light filaments and to tip gold pens with. Which is a bit soft, really.
 
4 – Hardest Virus – Ebola Vs Rabies.
You’re abroad when a smallish and mawkishly cute squirrel approaches in search of nuts. Drop the nuts. Run like fuck. The little git will bite you and give you rabies, and rabies is bad. It’s 100% fatal, and without vaccination, fever, nausea and vomiting will quickly lead to hallucinations, coma and then death. Ebola, is the new virus on the block, killing only 50-90% of those infected. However, this one’s a nasty bastard. You die after unpleasant internal and external blood explosions cause you intense pain.
 
3 – Hardest Swim Stroke – Front Crawl.
Fast front crawl is by far the toughest pool activity. You’ll use all the major muscles, burn 700 calories per hour and leave he pool with a calorific ‘glow,’ which’ll shift calories for the next hour.
 
2 – Hardest Car – Aston Martin Vintage 600
The Vantage 600 has a 5.3 litre, V8 engine, with twin superchargers boasting 600bhp and 600lb ft of torque. Flooring this beast will get you up to 60mph in 3.9 seconds and up to 220mph. ‘It’s utterly brutal,’ says Auto Express’ Ollie Marriage. Yes, and it costs a trifling £232,950.
 
1 – Hardest Building – Fort Knox.
The entire bullion reserves of the United States of America are kept in a steel and concrete vault beneath Fort Knox in Kentucky. The chamber is 60ft by 40ft, resting on solid rock, with walls that are more than 2ft thick. Layers of modern alarms protect the vault. Try breaking into that with a sawn off shotgun and a pair of tights.