From SModcast 04: Can I Get a Witness? 
I totally did it dude. I dropped down to my knees and I’m behind her and she’s literally not really paying that much attention to me, putting on her make-up, doing her mascara and shit like that. 
Kevin's shame at jerking off on a nude
Jen's calf
Kevin Smith: I was struck by the notion this weekend
that no matter how much I’ve been able to accomplish with my career
professionally, that personally it doesn’t fucking amount to a hill of beans.
Some people assume that because you make movies and shit you’re on easy street,
life is great, and it’s not. I still have trouble getting laid, that kinda
thing. I got done with my Q&A at the New York Comic-Con and I was gonna
head down to Jersey to play some poker, and Jen was staying in the city to go
out. So I get back to the hotel room and she’s in the shower, it’s one of those
glass doors. And suddenly I was like, “I’m going to get laid, she looks good to
me right now.” Normally she does all the time, she’s naked.
Scott Mosier: Wet, soapy?
KS: Totally. Well not soapy. It’s not like
I want to get soap in my cock or something like that, because that burns. But I
was totally like, “I want to try and get one off before I get on the road and
shit.” Because there’s still a part of me that’s like, you’re married and
whatnot and you love who you’re with, but there’re still always that male part
of you that’s like, “I would like to fuck and then move on pretty quickly,”
rather than lay around and cuddle and chitchat and bullshit. Sometimes you just
want to fucking snap one out and then fucking go on with your day in a real
caveman kinda way. Not where you want to drag her by the hair—
SM: The quest for fuck.
KS: But I don’t want to make love. There’s
no quest for fuck. I just want to fucking shoot one and go. So she was getting
ready for her shindig, to go out, so she’s like, “I don’t have the time.” I
threw it out there and I’m not subtle about it and shit like that, I’m like,
“You want to bone?” Not really the way into a woman’s panties.
SM: No.
KS: Even if you’re married to her. They do
still like to be romanced a bit. But I knew the clock was against me on this
one. And she was like, “No. I got to get ready. Later on, maybe tomorrow when
we come back and you pick me up then we can totally do it because I want to do
it, but I have no time.” And I’m so not the force-the-issue kinda guy so I
wasn’t like, “No, we’re doing it.” But I was still disappointed and I was still
ready to go because she looked good and shit. So she’s getting ready and does
this ever happen to you, it’s such an embarrassing, desperate sexual act, where
you’re like, “I’ll just jerk off and you watch”? Have you ever been that guy
who’s done that?
SM: Nah, I haven’t quite done that.
KS: I’ve done that many times in my life,
where it’s like I just wanna…
SM: You wanna be interactive…
KS: I want to cum so badly and yet you want
to be interactive, you don’t want to fly solo and shit, and jerk off into a
fucking sock, but you want someone to be involved.
SM: It’s kinda sexy.
KS: It’s kinda sexy a little bit.
SM: For you to cum and her to be in the
room.
KS: It’s dirty enough and you’re there but
it is so stupid to be like, “I’m going to jerk off and you can watch.” If the
roles were reversed and she’s like, “I’m going to rub one out and I want you to
watch,” I’d be like, “Argh, I guess.”
SM: “Is this leading to something?”
KS: Exactly, there’s always the whole thing
of, if you’re rubbing one out will I eventually get to fuck you?
SM: And she’s like, “No.”
KS: Yeah, that would be the kinda thing.
But for me if I was like, of course in the back of your mind you’re always
like, “While I’m jerking off she can get turned on and then want to fuck.” But
not when she’s getting ready, she’s not thinking about that. So we’re in the
bathroom and I throw that out there and she goes, “Well, I don’t really have
the time.” So I said, “What if you just took off your robe?” Because she’s
getting all prepared in the mirror, wearing this robe, “What if you just took
off your robe and I jerked off here in the bathroom looking at you?” And she’s
like, “If you want, go ahead.” She’s putting on her make-up. So fucking sad,
the more I think about it, but I was so desperate to fucking get it off. So she
drops her robe and is naked, I’m in the bathroom still trying to figure out
whether I’m going to commit to this kinda thing, because we’ve been married for
close to eight years, but at the same time that could be the thing where she’s
like, “Look, I always thought you were a loser and had good intentions but come
on dude, you’re going to fucking tug one out and crack one on my fucking leg
while I’m getting ready in the bathroom mirror? That’s just insane. Have a
little self-respect.” But I didn’t have any, so I fucking—
SM: You did it?
KS: I totally did it dude. I dropped down
to my knees and I’m behind her and she’s literally not really paying that much
attention to me, putting on her make-up, doing her mascara and shit like that.
I get down on my knees, I drop my fucking drawers, I start tugging one out just
staring at her asshole and the back of her pussy, you know, that back view, and
in order to do that you’ve got to spread the cheeks a little bit, but I only
jerk off one hand so it doesn’t matter, but at the same time if I’m spreading
her cheeks and pushing her a little bit, and she’s like, “I’m putting on my
mascara, don’t forget.” I’m like, “Alright.” So it’s real clinical, not very
sexy but it was kinda weird and hot at the same time, and like a sick fucking
degenerate mutt I’m just on my knees staring at her asshole and the back of her
pussy from behind jerking off, tug one out all the way to fruition. I don’t
think I’d gotten laid for like two days or something so I had a nice pent up
fucking ‘pchoom!’ kinda load that hit her leg, and I fucking feel bad for
anyone that uses that bathroom after us at that hotel room, because it went
right on the rug too. And then afterwards I just felt like such a scumbag. I
can’t believe I couldn’t just wait and I succumbed to the filthy fucking urges,
desperate sickening urges to “just let me jerk off while I’m here.” It was
kinda hot though. It would be like if you could jerk off in a strip club,
because you’re getting to look but you’re not allowed to touch, because she
wasn’t going to fuck and I was hoping that she’d get turned on enough to be
like, “Oh, fuck it, let’s do it.”
SM: But she didn’t.
KS: So I was left to my own devices and had
to take matters in hand. But it was so sad really in some weird way. But she
was nice about it, she didn’t make me feel sad about it, she said, “That was
kinda sexy.” But I think she might have just been saying that so I didn’t take
that drive down to Jersey going, “What happened to me? I really let myself go
in every way, I have no self-respect whatsoever, I can’t stop fucking eating
and I’ve fallen to jerking off on my wife’s fucking calf.” It’s weird the
depths you’ll plumb, human sexuality, just to fucking get one off or whatnot.
SM: When it gets in your head and you’ve
got to get it out.
KS: Yeah, and granted it’s kinda tame in comparison to how some fucking filthy animals conduct themselves. And serial killers, some of them kill because it pleases some sort of sexual urge, and it’s not even predicated on a sexual act, but for some reason they can’t get off unless there’s death involved. So I’m not there yet.
[Ends]
Extract from Shootin’ the Sh*t With Kevin Smith: The Best of
SModcast [Titan Books, £9.99]
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