Prior to the event I soundproof my entire flat (shut all the
windows), cultivate a dark and muggy atmosphere (don’t open the windows, shut
the blinds), prepare a well-balanced porno schedule (including bouncing
knockers, lezzies in chokers and good-old-fashioned sport sex), and fill the
fridge with things like pineapple juice, original flavour Lucozade and shit
pepperoni pizza.
Throughout the course of the experiment I will not consult
the written word (unless it is a porn mag), will not make any phone calls, or
put the television or radio on. I
also vow to not play any music or answer the front door. This 12 hours is for porn and porn
only. Let us begin…
The line-up:
Jack’s Big Tit Show 2
Psychoporn
Ione Luv…Girl on Girl Action
The Chappel of Love
Cum on My Face 7
Hot Beavers
Sex Angels 2
Anal Madness
A massive pile of print-based grot
Monday 14 September, 12:00 PM
12:01 JACK’S BIG TIT SHOW 2: Menu is loading. I hit ‘Play Movie’ sharpish. Here’s to Maxim magazine (pulls pants
down, raises glass of pineapple juice).
12:03 I have a hard-on already – how pathetic.
12:07 The pornathon’s six minutes old and I’m witnessing the
first boob-on-knob action of the
day. I suppose the title gave it
away.
12:25 Her massive boobs move independently from the rest of
her, like two overset jellies.
Stupid, really.
12:27 He spasms on her breastplate. Is it me or is that a little
disappointing?
12:40 The build-up is annoying my loinsack. FFWD to the independent tit
movement. DVD is great.
12:46 She has a crap tattoo of a shark on her foot. Might skip this bit.
12:50 This is better. She looks like a girl in the year above me at school. I might do the honours to this. (Okay,
I admit, I’ve done that already.)
12:59 There’s feedback “on-set”. One of the crew’s left
their mobile on. Tut-tut.
13:15 Bloke is sitting on sofa making out the girl next to
him is his brother’s girlfriend and they dare not kop off with each other.
13:16 They’re copping off. She’s adamant that he ‘mustn’t
tell Brian about this’.
13:28 Brian will be gutted if he sees this. They’ve done just about everything his
nightmares would have imagined. And “his brother” wanks at the end using two hands, such is
the size of his member. Brian will never be able to truly please her again.
13:30 PSYCHOPORN’s in. Cue loads of appalling house music and red-faced birds with
too much hairspray on. This looks
good.
13:33 The music has made me realise I’ve been watching the telly
really loud for 90 minutes. I’ve just turned the telly down from 28 to 13.
Thoughts of my new neighbours listening to me enjoying JACK’S BIG TIT SHOW 2
fill me with dread. (We can hear it when their toaster goes up for God’s
sake.) I press on enevertheless...
13:35 Starting to flag. Just want to watch Sky Sports for a sec. Has Adebayor done anything else reckless? What’s Georgie's hair like today? I'm not allowed to find out. This young lady on my telly screen does rather liked being rodgered though...
13:45 PSYCHOPORN is to skin flicks what Seven is to
Hollywood movies. Disturbing, but in a good way.
14:02 THE CHAPPEL OF LOVE has been unsheathed. It’s spelt wrong. No-one with the
surname “Chappel” is in the movie.
This bothers me.
14:05 Why don’t both of these geezers just fuck off. They’ve both got ripped jeans on and
one of them has a Hard Rock Café T-shirt.
14:09 Next bloke has baggy weightlifter plants on. And his
sofa’s shit.
14:16 She looks a bit like Celine Dion though…
14:20 Come to think of it, why do some European women dress for
porn like women did in the 80s? This one’s got a big necklace on, a dress, a
broach, stockings, about 50 fucking hairclips and this sort of
Barmaid-treating-herself make-up going on. Crap.
14:23 This scene is called “Sun Deck” directed by Scott
Lucky.
14:25 Oh I get it, it’s the “two couples fucking on a boat
deck” scenario. Is porn lacking
some ideas or what? How about "Pub Toilet Slag"? There’s enough of this "I’m a
Bouncer, There’s a Waterfall" shit already, isn’t there?
14:48 In the last scene two men’s cocks DEFINITELY TOUCHED.
Nothing was said. Gay.
14:59 This girl who looks like Beyonce on crack is really
trying to impress Scott Lucky.
15:02 My girlfriend’s ringing. We swap pleasantries. She’s
staying at her mum’s.
15:09 Where’s the banter? This one’s all exotic locations,
lift music and blokes with
15:11 Bloke from Sky TV rings about different assignment on
Monday. Can’t turn down telly quick enough once I realise it’s him. Awkwardness.
15:50 The dude with the pony tail and loads of gold on is
having trouble retaining a hard-on. And he keeps making noises like he’s just received a paper cut.
15:53 He fucks like Chico sings.
15:55 He just called her a “tight-arse”. She must shop at
Aldi.
15:59 Got drunk last night, been sitting in the semi-dark
for nearly four hours and am feeling a little queasy. The crap shop down the road sold me a pizza last night. I
open it. It has about four slices
of pepperoni on it. The bastards...
16:03 IONIE LUV... GIRL ON GIRL ACTION
16:08 All the participants are putting on silly voices,
pretending they are hornier than they actually are.
16:21 They’re sucking dildos now. This is pointless.
16:25 Yawn...
16:55 Am crying out for some sunlight. Or just a
newspaper. Or an old episode of Fifteen-to-One?
Anything but this cockless drivel.
17:17 Might have a wash soon. My knob hurts.
17:21 What is it with sluts and them choker things. They’re like fish and chips,
hairdressers and highlights etc etc...
17:26 CUM ON MY FACE 7 This series much have a following,
eh?
17:28 Girl with bright red lipstick, tied back blonde hair
and a tattoo at the base of her spine is sucking off this fella to more lift
music. Wish I hadn’t whizzed
through PYSCHOPORN so quickly now.
17:32 There’s shit arty replays of the “money shot" done in
B&W.
17:38 I wonder what William G Stewart's middle name is? I'm reckoning Gary.
17:44 Porn music is starting to kill me. Am I actually in a
lift in the Marlands Shopping centre in Southampton? Or am I watching a young
Latvian do naughty things with her tonsils?
17:53 The next fodder is a black-haired girl with a pool
cue, skimpy silver dress and drawn-on eyebrows. Please, please, PLEASE be a talker.
17:56 There are Spanish guitars over this bit and she didn’t
say a word. I want a refund.
18:22 Bloke in next scene has a tattoo on his pelvis saying:
“I love Fiona”. Am assuming they have an open relationship.
18:27 Ha ha! The dude’s about five minutes into his scene
and has said the word ‘YEAH!’ about eight-hundred times.
18:47 Am starting to feel more seedy than a Jalapeno pepper.
Gonna have a bath. Will pause DVD. And take six
copies of Teen Angels in the bathroom with me.
19:08 Back in front of telly. Issue 57 of Teen Angels was great. It has this brilliant article in it where a girl gradually
takes her clothes off.
19:16 Next up is HOT BEAVERS and then SEX ANGELS 2, which
not only has a script and what seems like an absurd plot, it also has Dolby
Digital Surround. The neighbours will love that.
19:26 Skinhead bloke is on the run from police. Bumps into
two busty women having a barbecue.
They give him a hotdog. He
shags them both.
19:47 We’re approaching the ‘four-hours-to-go’ mark. I’ve been watching people copulate for over seven-and-a-half hours. I’m sick of it
19:48 The crap sofas, the bad shoes, the brilliant-at-sex people, the tiger faces, the faux lesbianism, the French directors, the throbbing fannies – it’s all getting dull.
19:54 I’ve touched myself more than a rhesus monkey that’s just realised he’s got a penis.
19:58 I’ve heard 478 minutes of crap
music. Aargh.
20:00 Four hours to go…
20:03 What I wouldn’t give for a documentary on cupboards. Or an especially dull episode of Diagnosis Murder...
20:06 There’s people fucking on the telly. Again
20:10 Really, really muggy in here now. Can’t open window. Someone might hear Bloke 2 barking.
20:30 SEX ANGELS 2 – remember this is the one with “the plot”.
20:31 From what I can make out this is a Charlie’s Angels
take-off. Will they all please
fuck off.
20:34 It’s not even funny. It’s just more “good-looking” people making fake noises and
ramming things into each other’s bottoms. Oh my God.
20:40 I need to phone someone. I’d quite happily watch a talking head show presented by
Edith Bowman. I’m desperate for
something else.
20:45 Pacing room. Might have panic attack.
21:04 HAVE GIVEN UP. Am scrambling around for today’s paper,
the window is open to its very fullest extent and the kettle is boiling. I extend my arms to normality and
teletext comes to the rescue. Hello sweet world, I'm back! I
have sat through 9 hours and 4 minutes of filthy/not-so-filthy pornography and
I’ve had as much as I can take.
I don’t care that I didn’t finish my marathon, if I see another phony tiger face I’ll puke my ballsack out, and watching more pornography after you’ve only just masturbated is just, well, shite. If I’d had the willpower/patience/foresight I might have gone for some sort of 12-hour Tantric wank to really give the pipes a good clean. All I got instead was a sore bell-end and a disagreeable sense of nausea and self-loathing. This “pornathon” is over, my friends. Over, I tell you.
------------------------
No thanks whatsoever to Scott Lucky or my local shop or the
editor of Teen Angels. Big up to
Pyschoporn though. Recommended.
Issue 57 of Teen Angels was great. It has this brilliant article in it where a girl gradually takes her clothes off. 
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