TV Autopsy

Dexter

	Probably taught Snipes how to fight, Shaft how to fuck and Sidney Poitier how to smoke pot.

Dislikes: Emotions, untidyness, Doakes
The psychopathic, schizoid, charismatic glue that holds the show together, Dexter’s first memories of being knee-deep in his own mother’s blood, have led to a deep-seated fascination with sharp cutlery, claret and clingfilm. Doesn’t get depressed, excited, turned-on, angry or flustered too often – except when terminating blood-crazy siblings or exacting revenge on the uderworld. Probably has the tidiest flat in Miami.

Debra Morgan
Actress: Jennifer Carpenter

Role: Dexter’s foster sister, homicide squad fluff, pervy Masuka’s muse

Likes: Shagging serial killers, swearing
Boss-eyed and dog-nosed she may be, but Debs is definitely the totty of the show. In an awkward, brash-but-naive, “am-i-a-woman-yet?” sort-of way, her minimal chest and copper nous are every Miami man’s dream. If only she sorts her confidence issues out she might uncover that her big brother is in fact a merciless death merchant. Might put her back a peg or two that.

Harry Morgan
Actor: James Remar

Look: Heavily burdened, my-kid-likes-death-but-I’m-dealing-with-it furrowed brow, cowboy jackets

Upon clocking Dexter’s “habit”, Harry didn’t farm him back to the orphanage pronto, he created a complex code for him to live by: Never kill innocents, fake emotions, be extremely careful when killing, when taking a psychology test, always answer the question with the opposite of what you feel, killing innocents is never allowed and NEVER GET CAUGHT. Top parenting.

Rita Bennett
Actress: Julie Benz

Relationship to Dex: Clingy, let’s-all-go-for-an-ice-cream divorcee with nice tits and limited sexual urges, Rita is Dexter’s perfect foil.

Positives: A ray of sunshine with eyes that say “baggage, but I do a cracking roast dinner” Rita thinks Dexter doesn’t shag her because he’s being all sensitive and stuff, and thinks he’s at work when he’s really out dispensing justice to ne’er-do-wells. Naïve and pretty – as we said, perfect. (Negatives: Has two annoying kids and her mum’s a man-hater.)

Sgt Doakes

Actor: Eric King

Part: Dexter’s in-house nemesis
Instinct-driven, ex-Special Ops with no-nonsense moustache and more tight tops that the Miami Dolphins cheerleading squad, Doakes is the only man in Miami who suspects there’s something awry with Dexter and won’t rest till he finds out what. Probably taught Snipes how to fight, Shaft how to fuck and Sidney Poitier how to smoke pot. Should’ve been in Platoon. Professional hardcase.

Angel Batista
Actor: David Zayas

Look: The Cuban Dick Tracy
A good-natured cop with an appaling taste in acrylic shirts, Batista is the most likeable and honest of all the homicide squad. If women down the pub aren’t reacting to his measured goatee and trilby then he’ll be the first one to start moaning about “the ex”. A nice bloke.

Lt LaGuerta
Actress: Lauren Velez

Part: Homicide matriarch
The sort of female cop who has “balls as big as any man here” LaGuerta has one eye on the captain’s hotseat, one on the local cosmetic counter, and the other on Doakes’s backside. No matter how many low-cut tops she wears, the fact it seems they’ve got a bit of previous makes her a no-go area. Leans on Debs. Debs hates her.

Vincent Masuka
Actor: C S Lee

Sample quote: ‘Saw Deb today. Looking hot!’
With the sexual innuendo tendencies of Graham Norton and the subtleties of a claw hammer, when Masuka isn’t a step behind Dexter in forensic examinations, he’s probably in HR filling out appeal forms. Death can be fun after all.