When we found out that Johnny Vegas and Monkey were reuniting to do an ad for PG Tips, we couldn’t resist dragging them both down the boozer and putting a whole pint glass full of reader questions to them. For more, see this month’s issue of Maxim – out now! But here’s a load of exclusive stuff we just couldn’t squeeze into the mag!

Are you really always pissed on telly, or do you fake it?
Geoff, Fringford
When I do TV shows, I treat it as a night out, so I just go out and really enjoy myself. Shooting Stars, I was very definitely very drunk every time. That’s because Vic and Bob would get you to come in far earlier than needed, so we had hours of sitting around the studio. I was forcibly encouraged to drink by Bob Mortimer, because he knew he was going to be putting me on slides and roundabouts and stuff.

I read you don’t like being called a stand-up. Why? Would you fight me if I called you that?
Dave, Waddingham
Yeah! In a cage, with pieces of wood and nails bent into it! No, I don’t mind it at all; I don’t know where that’s come from. I’ve said I don’t consider myself a stand-up because I’ve not being doing much lately, and I’ve got too much respect for stand-ups to call myself one.

Do you like children, or do they annoy you? How much would I have to pay you to do a comedy routine at my six-year-old son’s birthday party?
Nilesh, Queen’s Park
I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I’m grumpy and terrible with them. (At this point, a child, recognising Johnny and Monkey, puts his face up against the window). Go away! Yeah, I’m great with kids. As for doing a gig at a six year old’s birthday party, you couldn’t pay me enough. You know that wonderful honesty of children? I’ve died at a lot of gigs but that’s one I couldn’t take.

What did you get up to when you hung about with Johnny Depp while making The Libertine?
Ralph, Thursford
It wasn’t so much hanging out with him; it was more a friendly stalking: hiding in bushes, whispering subliminal messages through his door… ‘You do like Johnny Vegas, you do like Johnny Vegas…’ He was very nice, actually. He was very good at sneaking wine on set. Because we were supposed to have Ribena, his password was, ‘Would you like some Toothkind?’

What’s the most expensive item of clothing you’ve ever bought?
John, Selby
Six quid in Primark! I’m not one for spending money on clothes. I’m more up for traipsing round second-hand shops. If an original piece of wardrobe came up from Star Wars, I’d probably spend a lot of money on it.

I read you were a potter. Are you any good?
Nico, Manchester
I did a four-year degree at Middlesex in ceramics. Unglazed enamels were my forte… I’m not a fantastic potter, and I’m not good at glazing – mine come out pea-soup green or poo-coloured. And my work’s never been accepted by my family – they stick all my stuff in the back garden – but it’s something I’ll always carry on with.

Why is rugby league better than rugby union?
Clive, Oxford
It’s been a professional sport a lot longer. It’s also working-class people on the pitch, rather than the ra-ra-ra types in rugby union: I don’t think the blokes playing union have such a strong will to win. League’s also a faster game, a better game to watch. And the majority of people who play it are Northern!

Who’s the funniest man you know?
David, Burntwood
Paul Whitehouse, without a doubt. He’s funny all the time: there’s very few people in the industry I hang out with outside of work, but he’s a proper inspiration. He’ll really take the piss out of me for saying that. He rejects my love.

Is it true you trained to be a vicar? How come?
Stephen, Elm Park
No, I trained to be a priest. Or started to. I went to seminary school when I was eleven. I thought I wanted to be a priest, but when they told me if I did I could never have sex – not ever, even on my birthday – I changed my mind. Had I become a priest, the sermons would’ve been electric!

What’s your favourite food? And how much of it can you eat?
Guy, Glenluce
Soup! I like pasta, but I don’t have a very big appetite, believe it or not. I love baked mussels! No one ever bakes them. And toast toppers! But only when I want to impress someone.