Catherine

Dearest Catherine,

Forgive the lack of face-to-face meeting, but to be honest, you are rather fucking terrifying, so we figured we'd best send an open letter instead. Perhaps it was the giant baby, perhaps it was the giant arse monster, we're not really sure, we just know this; we don't want to see you anymore.

To coin the phrase "It's not you, it's us" may seem more truthful in this instance. It appears as though many people have enjoyed your company (you FILTHY WHORE), unfortunately we are not among them. It's not your looks, as you are quite attractive. You have a very unique style... very original infact. One of the more original experiences we've had in a long time. It's not how you sound either. As weird as it is for a person to be followed around by a soundtrack all the time, we found it quite relaxing. At times, pant-wettingly scary, but mostly relaxing.

So why are we breaking up with you? Well, it's mainly because you're a puzzle game. A puzzle game with twitchy controls, and that is not a good combination. You're very unpredictable in that respect... We often find ourselves tumbling off of ledges of SHEER EMOTION when we genuinely didn't want to. You're also alarmingly difficult. The frustration you cause isn't worth the experience you provide half the time, and we found continuing on with you to be more of a struggle than it was anything else. To put it bluntly, WE'VE HAD ENOUGH OF EVERY ENCOUNTER BEING ABOUT PUSHING BLOCKS.

We've enjoyed the unique challenges our relationship has had, but it's just not enough. Also, the action-puzzle-drama aspect doesn't sit fantastically well with us. Sorry to put it like this, but you're basically an attention seeking version of Q*bert with a Facebook account.

Lots of love,

The Maxim Chaps

PS. Can we still be friends?