Resident Evil: Revelations

Everyone knows that Resident Evil 4 is still the greatest game ever made, and nothing short of a first person shooter with Jesus Christ controlling a 500 ft mech or something will ever top it. Unfortunately, it also left Resident Evil 5 looking a bit anaemic. So rather than try aping the batshit action Resident Evil 4 formula again for Revelations, they’ve gone the other way, and gone back to the horror. THE HORROR.

And done a bloody good job all told.

You are not some insane bullet-ejaculating, devastatingly handsome David Bowie doppelganger in Revelations, rather your primary character is original heroine, Jill Valentine. You still play the game from an over-the-shoulder perspective, but because there isn’t some cockney merchant ambling about to give you ammo, you’re not able to go in guns blazing. Revelations is a tentative little beastie, and presents you with some of the scariest moments on a handheld since you realised you could never ever really escape from Tom Nook [Just stopped having nightmares - Ed], and you’d be digging up fossils for shitty money for the rest of your days.

Revelations largely takes place on a boat, a big boat, a boat filled with people that are either really drunk and ugly or infected with something. We suspect the latter but hope it’s the former. It’s up to Jill and her partner Parker (a wisecracking Spaniard who just makes us tearfully recall Luis Sera from Resi 4, he was the man) to find out what’s been going on. Over the course of about ten hours you’ll be met with (no surprise, given the title) shocking revelations, horrible beasties and touch-screen-utilising puzzles as the plot plays out in typical Resident Evil fashion.

Revelations obviously looks great, and proves just how nifty the 3DS can be. The boat looks suitably creaky and imposing, and characters animate well (even though their lips don’t move, although you’d have to be a bit of an arsehole to be bothered by that). The 3D is used well too, though you’re really missing nothing if you choose to turn it off. Most importantly, Revelations has it where it counts. It successfully returns to the creeping, panicky horror of old for the most part, and it’s a tense little game, full of jump scares and moments of extended suspense. In addition you’re given a nifty little gadget called the Genesis, which lets you scan enemies (in order to get health packs oddly) as well as rooms for secret objects, like weapon upgrades, herbs (god knows you’d need a spliff on a ship full of ravenous beasties) and ammo. It feels a bit reminiscent of Metroid Prime actually, and there’s nowt wrong with that.

However, the developers are well aware that some of you aren’t happy unless you’re shooting things up, so some of the chapters are more action-heavy. There’s a multiplayer mode called Raid as well, where you and a chum can go through various chapter segments blowing things up. It’s nice that they’ve thought of you nihilistic little buggers, too.

Resident Evil Revelations proves that, ironically, there’s life in the zombie dog yet. It’s not completely perfect. It does this annoying ‘previously on Revelations’ thing after every chapter which is wholly unnecessary. We can see why they did it, but it’s still pointless. This is Resident Evil, not a frigging Buffy 2 parter. Some of the new characters are really rubbish too. There’s no one quite like Barry. The plot is really crappy as well. For sure, Resident Evil is meant to have a crappy plot, but they’ve gone above and beyond here as you’ll not really give a shit about any of it, but what the hell, it’s fun to play through, tense as heck and a nice return to the series for those people that missed the fear.

NOW WRITHE IN OUR CAGE OF TORMENT.