Dark Souls

Everybody knows one of 'those guys'. Nah, not the ones who bring up their knob at every social occasion regardless of how inappropriate it may be at the time, we mean the ones who think they're good at games. Really good. Better than everyone else. The ones who still read the manuals. The ones who miss how games used to be - DOUBLE. FRIKKEN. HARD.

Well, we'd like to see them play Dark Souls, followup to 2009's Demon's Souls. Forget Ninja Gaiden; Dark Souls brings the pain. If you're going to attempt to complete it, you'll need buckets of patience and buckets of spare controllers because you're going to run out of the former proper quick like and eat the latter out of sheer frustration.

The only easy thing about Dark Souls is starting it up. Oh, and dying. You might as well go and get a big permanent marker and scribble "YOU DIED" across the middle of your screen, just so you get used to seeing it all the time. You will become more familar with the after-life than your national insurance number... retracing your steps over and over to get back to where your life was ended by some undead shit. ARGH WE GET ANNOYED JUST THINKING ABOUT IT! Most games these days give you a bit of breathing room when you first start. A tutorial if you will. Not this one. Apart from some hastily written instructions on the floor telling you how to block, parry and attack, you're on your own mate.

We know what you're thinking... We're gonna take a pretty good guess at least... "This game sounds like it'll speed up my already swift descent to the grave! Why on earth would I want to play it?!". Because Dark Souls is MARVELLOUS. Combat is tough (understatement) but satisfying and exploring the world is dangerous but irresistable. They say you should do something each day that scares you. Play Dark Souls, that'll cover every base. You'll be scared of the giant bosses, scared of what's around the next corner, and scared to leave the bonfire for fear of another YOU DIED screen. As an example of how much of a BASTARD this game is, the bonfire itself is basically your save point. You will respawn there if you die, you can refill your health potions and you can restore any health you may have already lost. BUT - if you do rest at a bonfire, any and all enemies you have killed will come back to life, ready to set you on fire/stab you/shoot you/kick you off a cliff all over again. There are no quick saves, no mid-game saves... for crying out loud you can't even pause the bloody thing!

BUT WHY CAN'T WE STOP PLAYING IT?! Much like parenthood (yes, we're comparing a game to having a child, piss off), something so challenging always has it's rewards. When you take down giant bosses, successfully parry an attack, manage to complete an epic mission, get some fancy new gear; every achievement in the game is a reason to get up of the sofa and celebrate your victory.

Forget football, Dark Souls is a real man's game.