Hell Ride

Well, well done Larry Bishop. Well done for completing your writer, director and starring role debut, and using it to 'rinse' as many 'pornstar-looking' actresses as you possibly can during 90-minutes of onscreen 18-certificate dullness.

Unfortunately, while your numerous fetishistic close-ups of perfectly proportioned female derrieres cannot be rivalled, your biker gang thriller Hell Ride has all the ingredients of being, well, a little annoying. We wish to pin-point these little 'errors' for you, just in case you should decide to make the follow-up Hell Ride 2.

1) A desperation and poorly executed attempt to be REALLY cool and juicing every Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez motif going (characters talking in sloooow, gruff voices, characters walking in threes while things blow-up behind them, characters being freeze-framed and introduced with rock-hard names like Johnny Wings).

2) An absurdly simple 'revenge/hidden treasure' plotline that manages to be really confusing, to the point where after 80-minutes, it solves a 'mystery'. Until this point, we weren't aware that there was a mystery that needed solving. But it solved it. So thanks for that.

3) Welsh ex-footballer Vinnie Jones playing a biker gang leader and talking in an American hardman accent. And shooting people in the desert with arrows. But yes, an American accent. On Vinnie Jones.

4) Lots of pointless talking and even more pointless dialogue, which we struggled to understand anyway due to aforementioned gruff-vocalled, listen-to-my-coolness throatery.

5) Lots of characters glaring out non-plussedly behind trendy biker sunglasses. And being really hard.

6) A youthful-looking 29-year-old actor apparently playing a biker who's supposed to be about 40.

7) More sunglasses.

8) A 'Wild West' soundtrack, clearly rescued from Robert Rodriguez' garage sale for 15 cents on old C90 tapes, crudely scrawled across in blue biro that says 'Desperado' out-takes

Dennis Hopper is in it though, so that gives the violence a bit of punch. And the poster art is f***ing amazing. And after everything we've said, fact is, personally, I do enjoy Tarantino, Rodriguez and grindhouse movies, so I did sorta enjoy watching your poor 'mystery'. Oxymoronic I know. But calm down, Bish. TWO STARS.