Know It All

He's got an answer for everything, week 6

Is there anything I can do to make my manhood bigger? – Rik, Hove
Creams, pumps and pills are useless. Surgery is the only way to make your penis bigger, but it’s not worth the risk. Potential side-effects include scarring, deformation, loss of sensation and inability to get an erection. Presentation can help, so keep that pubic hair neatly trimmed. If you’re overweight, eat healthily and do more exercise to reduce thigh and abdominal fat, so as to display your penis at its best. 45 percent of men want a larger member, but the overwhelming majority of women don’t care about penis size. Why would they? The average vagina is 3 inches long, and can comfortably stretch to accommodate the average penis (5.75 inches). That enough science for ya?


Why’s an escalator’s handrail faster than the actual escalator? – Jim, Oxford
Simple answer is: it isn’t. The stairs and handrails are designed to move at the same speed, both running from the same drive shaft. Minor gearing discrepancies or stretched drive belts can make the handrail move faster or slower. If the handrail speed does start to differ greatly from the steps, safety mechanisms kick in and the whole thing stops. Incidentally, Moscow’s Park Pobedy Metro has the world’s longest escalator at 126m. It takes three minutes from bottom to top, or half that if you sweat your way up its seemingly never-ending 740 moving steps.


Does sex before a match hinder your performance on the pitch? – The Jarminator, Bristol
Having sex the night before a match won’t affect your performance on the pitch. The theory is that testosterone and energy levels drop after sex, reducing aggression, and making a crunching last-ditch tackle less likely.
Everyone needs a little rest after sex (apart from the Maxim staff, obviously), but as long as you give it a couple of hours between orgasm and kick-off, there’ll be no physiological differences in your body. Sex, or the lack of it, can be used as psychological tools to get the best from players. A visit from their partners can be used as a reward for a team reaching a major international final. On the other hand, abstinence can encourage team-building, as players won’t head off to their rooms with their WAGs for some private time. It’s all down to individual management techniques.
Brazil’s 2002 World Cup winning team were abstinent throughout the tournament, but 1994 World Cup winner Romario once said, ‘Good strikers can only score goals when thy have had good sex on the night before a match.’ Romario’s way is just as effective as abstinence, and significantly more fun.


What is the hardest language in the world to learn? – Chris, Croydon
Akkala Sami, from the Kola peninsula in northern Russia, is the hardest language to learn as its very last speakers, Marja Sergina, popped her clogs on 29 December 2003.
Of the languages still in use, Finnish is the hardest, because of its 15 noun cases and lack of connections with Indo-European language (like English). Stick to saying, ‘anteeksi, en puhu suomea,’ which means, ‘Sorry, I don’t speak Finnish.’ Swearing in Finnish won’t win you many friends, but it is big and clever, so remember that ‘runkkari’ means ‘wanker’, ‘kulli’ means ‘cock’ and ‘vittujen kevat ja kullien takatalvi’ means ‘a spring of vaginas and a cold spell of cocks’. Which should earn you a good kicking next time you’re in Helsinki.

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