Men of the Quaff

'Ahh, Natural Light! Get it off me!'

	Someone with little or no future in lifewho's worse than you at everything except getting pissed and ruining dinner parties...

Every bloke needs a Barney Gumble. A non-judgmental beer buddy to sing shit songs with after a skinful of lager; someone with little or no future in lifewho's worse than you at everything except getting pissed and ruining dinner parties; a bloke who's always on call to lend a friendly ear and a comforting belch to an overweight pal; someone to look down even when your own life seems to be spiralling down the shitter... yep, as good-natured losers go, Barney is without equal.

It hasn't been all beer and cheer though – far from it. As a youth Barney was a promising academic who didn't drink or smoke, and only belched in private behind a well-manicured hand. However, as all good mates should, Homer Simpson tapped into his innate desire to be well drunk and presented him with his first beer – a Duff.

And in episode 68 we saw the painful, palpable metamortphosis occur – mindful adolescent scholar degenerating into beer-addled barfly, a full-bodied Barney belch confirming that this was indeed love at first taste. You could almost hear Moe rubbing his hands with delight.

And so the Barney we all know and admire was born. A man who, when he tears himself away from the clutches of Moe's Tavern ("Aah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!") is always the first to fuck-up in the aid of honest amusement. He dropped his cummerbund in the toilet at his high school reunion and mistook a girls scout meeting for an AA session.

Course, that's not to say he's without talent. He's Santa at the local mall at Christmas, sucks coins out of the love tester machine and regularly donates to the Springfield sperm bankall for his love of a good brew. He even came first in the Springfield film festival for his short about alcoholism, entitled Pukahontas.

It's as we said, everyone needs a Barney Gumble. His life may have been indellibly tarnished by the immeasureable gravitas of a grotty local boozer, but if you look closely at the bottom of your next glass of Duff, there'll be a smiling Barney belching right back at you, and what price can you put on that?