Banned: E Mail

Your In-Box Is Full. Of Shit

I know. It’s like bolting the stable door after the horse has bolted, but I would like to ban e-mail this week. Obviously, e-mail has brought communication to the masses in a simple, cheap, fast, global way as no other medium has before, so I’ll have a small caveat on my banning order. Sending e-mails between real friends and family can carry on apace: Granny in Canada can be kept abreast of family developments; travelling teenagers can let mum and dad know everything is OK as they neck some ya-ba in Thailand . . . actually, no. Let’s ban e-mail for all, everywhere. It’s rubbish and it’s making us dumb, lazy, repetitive and childish.

At work now, for most office workers, the e-mail is the tool of choice for all communication. This has had a disastrous effect on the way we do business. What could have been sorted out with a quick phone call is now ‘sorted out’ with an e-mail. What this means is almost everything takes ten times as long to resolve. The stock answer to any problem is “Well, I sent them an e-mail and they haven’t replied.” This gets both the sender and the recipient out of a hole. The sender thinks pressing ‘Send’ absolves him of any blame, and the recipient thinks, “Oh, I’ll ignore that, and if I am asked I’ll say I haven’t read it yet.” Direct phone contact avoids this lazy hip-swerving. But phone calls now seem to scare most people. Perhaps because they don’t have three hours to think of a response.

And meetings: e-mail invites to meetings are like little electronic wasps. They buzz in, set up a time and stretch out simple things into endless debates. I’ve worked out that 78% of these get-togethers turn out to be meetings about things that could have been sorted with a quick phone call or two. But as we know, phone call has become feared. Direct conversation is avoided at all costs, because articulate, honest, productive conversation is dying a slow death. Far better to send a little e-mail, all set out in safe, office jargon. Plod, plod, plod. Read e-mail. Go to meeting. Listen to repetition of  e-mail as half the meeting ‘haven’t read the e-mail yet.’ Ad infinitum. Oh, I can’t make that meeting: I’ve got to check my e-mails.

And as for Granny in Canada? Phone her up. Have a chat. Or better still, send her real letter: she’ll love that. She’ll actually get something through the letterbox that can be anticipated and then dwelt upon. Perhaps note the changing handwriting of her grandchildren and write a letter back. And those backpacking kids in Thailand? They should be off radar for a few months instead of skulking about in internet cafés writing home every five minutes. Guess what? You’re not that interesting. Save something up, let some real life happen and tell people when you get home. It’ll save you repeating yourself. Leave some mystery. Cut the apron strings. Stop e-mailing.