Ban Dogs

Barking Mad

I hate dogs. I really do. I hate the way they walk and sniff things. I hate they way they smell. I hate the way they crap everywhere. I hate the way they get stuck together when they are trying make more dogs. I never think they are cute. I even hate celebrity dogs like Lassie and Beethoven. Dogs suck, and should be banned.

And dog owners. I hate them too. Aren't they thick? What sort of a human being would walk around with a dumb animal, let it shit on the path, then happily pick up the shit of that animal? I wouldn't do that for a member of my own family. And if they don't pick the mess up, they are even worse. Leaving their filth for others to enjoy.  A human can't walk around and crap everywhere. He'd be beaten or imprisoned. And what about pee? Dog owners don't clean that up. This very morning I watched a man let his stupid fashion accessory (because that's what dogs have become - that, or offensive weapons) pee against a fencepost and casually walk off as the big puddle spread across the pavement for me to skip around. What an utter moron. We should be able to follow him home and piss on his doorstep. If I wasn't on my way to work I would have.

'I'm taking the dog for a walk,' bleat the canine carers. No, you're not. You are taking the dog out so it can do its mess on somebody else's property. And if your dog is particularly dumb and aggressive and you are in a park where there are children and people trying to relax, you'll let the dog off its lead, and every time it bounces, barking, towards people, you'll offer the mantra of the dog-owning simpleton: 'Don't worry, he doesn't bite.' That's why, every year, without fail, we are treated to shocking news stories about the loveable family pet who 'suddenly' turned and ate the baby. 'We're all in shock,' the dim-witted relatives offer up. 'He's never bitten anyone before and he loves children.' It's pathetic. They shit, they smell, they attack people.

And have you seen dog owners speaking to their mutts? Jesus, it's cringe-worthy. Like all animal obsessives, they humanise their pets. They treat them like little babies. In fact, dog owners usually treat their pets better than their families and other humans. One of the funniest things I ever saw was that movie about the Grizzly Man, who 'communed' with bears and 'talked' to them in 'their own' language. Needless to say they quite rightly tore him to pieces. Bit his stupid head off. It was superb: Him, human. Them, animal. Them kill him. If only more dog owners would be eaten by their faithful friends I'd be happy. They bark all night and you can't shut them up, they shake water all over you at the beach, they carry fleas and thus disease. They are not our best friend. They are our enemy, and when the food runs out they will eat us. So, this week, dogs and dog owners should be banned. There are two, and only two notable exceptions: guide dogs and dogs playing pool in Art.