Cock

Bunch of Arse

I have just been sent another inane survey. Some lame bunch of deadheads spoke to a group of dweebs and came up with the startling news that David Beckham has the sexiest bum. In the world. Isn't this rubbish? Isn't it lazy, obvious and vaguely depressing? But above all, isn't it just simply missing the point? The point being, as any fool knows, it isn't the bum women look at, it's the cock.

I know this because I took part in a survey myself a few years ago which asked women what was the first thing they looked at in a man. They didn't say the eyes. Or the bum. Or the sense of humour. They said the cock. The package. The old meat and two potatoes. They even did some hidden camera stuff, where they filmed men walking into a shop, and then filmed where women looked. Every single one of them did a quick check of the crotch before even looking at the geezers' faces.

Isn't this ace? Isn't it refreshingly basic and honest? I think it is. And I think the sexy bum survey people would have got more press and more kudos if they'd have done a Sexiest Cock survey. It'd be much more fun, and they'd have so much more to play with.

Where would they start, I hear you ask. Oh, please. How about Michael Phelps? He's a got a sexy cock. You can see it through his trunks. Even David Beckham's fake cock in the big pants advert is more interesting than his arse. Historically, Linford Christie got the whole nation talking when his package swung so magnificently as he ran to 100m glory. Alan Bates and Oliver Reed famously bared their cocks for a homo-erotic wrestling scene, with Ollie just edging it in the size stakes.

Oh, and while I am on the size thing, it does matter. Don't believe any woman who says it's not the size, it's what you do with it. Bullshit. I once watched a very funny workmate strip off naked and run around the winner's enclosure at Newbury racecourse. My, how we all laughed, but his cock was titchy, and no matter how much he made the girls laugh that day, he destroyed any chance of pulling. I know. I was told.

Ewan McGregor and Iggy Pop famously have huge cocks, while Peter Andre and Jamie Theakston famously have tiny cocks. That seems fair. Ray Winstone gave good cock in a pair of yellow Speedos in Sexy Beast. John Wayne Bobbit had his cock cut off, sewn back on and then worked in pornos. John Holmes had a 14 inch cock. Without cocks most porn wouldn't really work. Cocks are where it's at. Not bums. Bums are a bit silly. Cocks are the real deal. Any survey on cocks would get my attention.