Inside Nature’s Giants

Eamonn Holmes

Imagine the ratings it would get. A huge studio audience would clap heartily as a team of scientists brought the corpse in from the loading bay and subsequently gasp in disgust as the leading anatomist gently scythes into his large intestine, and a line of raw, whole sausages trickle out.

Such is the man’s girth, you may not even have to kill him to make the show. Just put a giant Findus crispy pancake in front of him, and then slice away. He wouldn’t even notice you were there. His children probably do it at home.
‘Mum, I’m hungry!’
‘Just slice open your dad. There’s probably a Twix and a pasty in there somewhere.’

I might be on my own here, but isn’t it time we stopped seeing the creature on our screens? His burgeoning weight and increasingly dumb gestures/questions/actions make him a televisual liability.

So yeah, that’s it really. Cut him open, see what’s inside. It’d be the only show in years with him in it that people didn’t turn off.