Classic Movie

He's not a bouncer, he's a cooler. Jeez...

	Despite being armed with lots of patronising glances and spray-on pants Dalton finds the town a harder nut to crack than even he imagines

Road House (1989)

The plot: Knobhead cooler (head bouncer), Dalton (Patrick Swayze) is called upon by a desperate backwater entrepreneur to clean up his shit bar in Michigan, the Double Deuce. Despite being armed with lots of patronising glances and spray-on pants Dalton finds the town a harder nut to crack than even he imagines.

So what happens? Loads of funny shit: Swayze takes his role far too seriously in the way that only he could as he spouts patronising lyrics to love-interest Doctor Elizabeth Clay (Kelly Lynch), exchanges tossy banter with his best mate ‘the one and only’ Wade Garrett (Sam Elliott), speaks to blind musicians with the kind of condescension the Queen probably reserves for slack chamber maids, and generally behaves in the kind of sanctimonious,  deplorable way you’d expect of ‘the perfect geezer’.

Why’s it a classic? Because that’s just the start. He knows Tai-Chi but has a huge hang-up about killing someone while using it ‘back in the day’; he’s emotionally balanced and intelligent enough to shag fit doctors but hard enough to beat up four mechanics at once; he doesn’t fuck on the first date but is no stranger to the fingernails up the thigh technique when he is on the job; he sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night and has a post-coital cigarette on the barn roof; he plays the whole nice guy card to old men who look like St Nicholas, shopkeepers and well-meaning, interested barmaids; he inspires lesser mortals (even fat people!) to become better humans; drinks coffee when he's at work and even has a philosophy degree. As we said, he’s a disgustingly well-rounded smarm magnet with hideous shoulder-length hair, a despicable taste in buttonless shirts and the self-assured grin of a man with two dicks. And the film’s brilliant because of it.