Let Them Eat Cake

I was in the pub the other day. Sun shining, people eating and drinking in the beer garden, kids running around playing tag, laughing and being boisterous. A typical (well, besides the sun) summer's day in an English country pub.

A family sat down on the table nearest to me - mum, dad, two kids. The kids are maybe six and nine. Both boys.
"Mum, can I have a packet of crisps, please?" the younger boy asked, looking over at my daughter, who was crunching her way through a packet of smokey bacon.  
"No. Not crisps. You know you can't have crisps. Do you want an apple juice?"
"Can I have a coke?"
"No. You can have an apple juice or a water. Why would I let you have coke? It rots your teeth." The boys looked crest-fallen, and sat at the table sullenly swinging their legs. I went to the bar and bought my daughter a packet of cheese-and-onion and a coke, with loads of ice. I could almost feel the righteous scorn from the two killjoys, sipping their halves of bitter while denying their kids a wee treat on an sunny afternoon out.

Apparently, we are living through the worst outbreak of childhood obesity ever known (if obesity can break out). Yes, coca-cola and crisps aren't going to form a major part of any child's daily nutrient intake. Yes, The Man perniciously advertises his evil treats everywhere and kids hassle their parents for them endlessly. But still . . . I can't imagine that years ago these sourpuss parents didn't have the occasional soft drink? Maybe a packet of crisps here and there? A Mars Bar or too? Perhaps even a pizza or a Big Mac? All of this, of course, happened before they had kids and decided that their kids were going to be different. Their kids will eat no poison, smoke no evil and drink no sugar. Their kids will know better about the perils of junk food and cigarettes and booze and drugs. Their kids will live forever.

It's total bullshit, of course. A pack of crisps and a Pepsi every now and then won't hurt. Parents can control the rest of the diet. Don’t let them eat shit all the time and they’ll be fine. I spent years eating Dime Bars, root beer, fast food, bubble gum, sweets full of e numbers and kebabs. I am fine: 11 stone, one filling. I had other things to eat too. I liked other things. If I had only had other things I would have craved the Bad Stuff. My friend Paul wasn’t allowed any white bread. Well, I can tell you now that whenever he came round mine he got his fill: Nutella on toast. Ketchup sandwiches. Beans on toast. He loved his white bread. He’s fine now. Fit as a fiddle. And he hates white bread.

Letting the kids have nothing unhealthy is pure hypocrisy: we all had it, but our kids can't? Madness. And where does the healthy line end? Will these kids never be allowed any rich desserts? Or fish and chips? Is it healthy food for their entire childhoods? Are the sweets even rationed at Christmas? Can you imagine life as a child never having tasted the pure joy of your first can of pop? The parents should be ashamed. Denial is a form of abuse.

As soon as the apron strings are cut these are the kids who'll be wolfing KFC and binge-eating Doritos. Free from the nagging mum and the denying dad they’ll go mental and stuff their faces. Then they'll move onto alcopops and Benson and Hedges. And finally, they'll gouge out on crack, cocaine and ecstasy. Let them eat shit now every now and again. It'll stop them over-compensating later, when they can. And stop being so worried about health all time: some things are just good fun - pure pleasure, instant gratification. A bit of that will go a long way. And who wants to live forever?