Ban Cyclists

Cycle of Shame

	And don't think for a second that these jellybrains are in any way concerned about the environment

A couple of weeks ago I was walking out of the station when a cyclist hit me. He was on the pavement (par for the course) and I suffered a bruised cheek, a cut knee and a broken pair of sunglasses. He sort of apologised before scuttling off before I could batter him and stamp his bike to pieces. The modern cyclist is a whole new breed of idiot, and they come in many forms. All of them (bar Tour de France aces) should be banned.

The first type of cyclist I'd like to see banned, or at least hit with financial penalty, is the Commuter Cyclist. With the rise of the Dinner Party Green these meatheads have replaced those blokes who sit with their legs spread really widely on trains as the new scum of urban travel. They come in many guises, all equally disgusting.

First, there is the Insecure Middle Aged Bloke. You know him: he recently took up cycling. Bought all the most expensive gear, including an insanely futuristic cycle. After a few months he probably started doing epic trips at the weekend (no doubt a relief to his family, who don't have to suffer his tedious company on Sundays anymore). Soon he gets into triathlons. Christ he is boring. All he talks about is kit, stamina and diet. He really thinks that if he would have taken up cycling earlier he could have been Lance Armstrong.

His insecurity drives him on - competitive as only the tiny-penised and idiotically unimaginative can be. You see him in his tight lycra (very becoming on his plus-forty-year-old body) and silly little tappy shoes - as he wheels his cock-extension onto the crowded commuter train and parks it near the doors. What filth these blokes are. They inevitably sit down (legs spread wide, just to make sure you know he's a bloody Alpha Male) while their bike blocks the door and takes up space where somebody could be standing.

He is joined by The Boffin. The Boffin usually has a fold-a-way bike, but still manages to take up space, shove people as he folds and unfolds the stupid contraption and blind everyone with his pathetic Day-Glo green plastic vest (they all have one of these). Charge them all full fare for the bike, and ban them from travelling when real workers are using the trains. And don't think for a second that these jellybrains are in any way concerned about the environment: they all, to a man, come from two or three-car households, one of which is inevitably a Land Rover (more cock extension).

So, your day is partially ruined by cyclists before you even get out onto the street. This is where all the cycle breeds come together in a loose cluster-fuck. They all have one thing in common: they ignore any road laws: they ignore red lights; they use pavements as shortcuts to avoid red lights; they ignore zebra crossings; if you say anything to them they swear violently while cowardly pedalling way furiously. There are cycle lanes for them, but they ignore those. The Commuter Cyclist is joined by a fleet of fast-moving morons: cycle messengers (usually mentally ill; always tattooed and pierced; often female); Sloanes and Creatives (men and women) on ludicrous sit-up-and-beg Pashleys, oblivious to the world as they cycle through the Merchant Ivory film running through their heads; novelty cyclists on low-slung retardicles which nobody can see and from which they can see nobody.

Idiots all: vain, arrogant, aggressive and insecure in equal measure. Never mind car-free cities of the future: I dream of cycle-free cities of the future. Smokers get spot-fined 80 quid for flicking a dog-end into the gutter. I'd suggest £100 spot fines for any breach of the road law by cyclists; I'd take away and crush any cycle left chained to railings (as if having a lump of hideous metal chained to your fence like 3D graffiti was OK); I'd urge pedestrians to shoulder barge any cyclist off the pavement and back into the street. I'd also like to see a campaign of non-violent dissent whereby anyone sworn at, nearly hit, hit, made to move or in any other way inconvenienced by cyclist perhaps lets the air out of their tyres when their cycle is left unattended. Yes, I'd love to see the air let out of their tyres.