Christmas when you’re a kid is more exciting as it means
something, you believe in someone. But now I’ve grown up, I no longer believe
in…Jesus. I do still believe in Santa Claus though, who’s like a less needy Jesus
with presents.
As
a bloke, DVDs are the ideal presents to buy because 1. They’re easy to wrap,
and 2. It’s one of the things that you’ve clearly bought for yourself. Or, as
we call them in our house: ‘Bowling Ball for Homer gifts’ (it comes from that episode
of /The Simpsons/ where Homer gets Marge a bowling ball with Homer written on
it). So, yeah, come Christmas Day, I’ll be like, ‘Gran, I got you seasons 1-6
of /24/ on DVD like you wanted…’
I’m that grown up these days that I once bought underwear
for my girlfriend. Don’t you think crotchless panties was the best bit of
marketing that’s ever been done? Clearly, there was a mistake in the factory
and these pants didn’t have crotches in them and they were like, ‘Shall we
throw these away or use them as dusters?’ ‘D’you know what mate, I think we can
fucking sell these.’ ‘Really? Who to?’ ‘Slags.’
I’m a big fan of Christmas cracker jokes. No one really
laughs at them, they’re just like clever riddles: What did one snowman say to
another? Can you smell carrots? Two fish are in a tank. One said to the other,
‘How do you drive this thing? I had a joke on stage where I said, ‘I have a
friend who’s schizophrenic. He’s his own worst enemy.’ And some bloke shouted
out, ‘Cracker joke!’ And I said, ‘No, it’s just a really short joke. What’s
cracker-ish about mental illness?’ But maybe there should be and that’s what’s
missing: really hardcore mental illness cracker jokes.
Something you should definitely do in your office this
Christmas – the Christmas Dead pool. Someone famous always dies over
Christmas. Either Christmas Day, Boxing Day or those weird days in between
Christmas and New Year. The Queen Mother has been the favourite since the
1970s. Who’s it going to be this year? Pick one at random and if it comes in,
brilliant. Pick names out of a hat, first one to die, you win a fiver.
And please remember – a dog is for life, not just for
Christmas. So do be careful at the office party.
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